Mind Reconstructive

My half-ways confession

Erril:

one week, three days. That's how long I've been stuck around my room. I didn't think that a simple flu would hit me this hard, but with the exhaustion and panic attack on top of it, I probably shouldn't be suprised. Maybe I shouldn't be grumpy about spending time alone, after all, I don't really want to talk to anyone. Not after that attack. Not after that embarrassment.

No one will tell me who found me outside, but I'm 99% sure I know who it was.

Dare. of course it would be Dare. Because who else would say all that stuff to me? None of the Willems are that way...They would never say anything like that to me. It embarrasses me that he had to be the one to come get me. Like "Oh hey, as if you didn't think I was already wierd enough, come find me not breathing in my foster parents back yard and bring me inside after I faint!" Yeah that's gotta go over really well.

I roll over in bed, hugging my pillow, not wanting to think about it. I can't destroy myself any further right now...I have to focus on getting better, If only for Selah's sake. She says she misses me. Never thought I'd here that again, but who could have figured? That Amazing little four year old never ceases to know what I need when I need it. But it still doesn't fill the hollowness that I feel all the time. My thoughts are scattered like stars in the darkness. Oh; did I mention its around four right now? AM, not PM.

I don't want to think. I don't want to. I would love to sleep, more than anything at the moment. I don't want to contemplate what an embarrassement I am to the Willems, or wether or not I will be accepted in the future. But I cant stop.

I groan, kicking the comforter off of me and sitting up. I'm slightly dizzy, but it passes within a minute, and I proceed to stand. But where shall I go? I am confined to a house of four walls and a mind of dark thoughts. I wish to throw the darkness from my mind, but how?? How does one return what one did not purposefully have in the first place?

I don't want to be here. There's no escape. No where to go. No place to run.

On a last minute whim, I swing open the door to my room and walk quietly down the hall, descend the flight of carpeted steps and manage to find my way to the living room where my laptop resides. Sitting at the small desk, I go straight to my files and begin typing. Illeah would know how to help me. She was always great in these situations, even though she didn't know what was going on... I've decided though, that this is half-ways confession time. So, addressing my page to her email, and hoping that maybe this will bring me a slight sense of peace, I begin.

Hey, are you awake? I can't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore, I probably shouldn't even be writing at this hour.

I guess since I won't even be sending this to you, now is as good a time as ever for confessions. I never told you the whole story...I know you know part of it, probably from the family, maybe from the few freinds I managed to make, I don't know. But... I guess here's a little more.

I was...well, mistreated at my home, I guess. I wouldn't call it outright abuse, because I've seen worse, but....It wasn't super awesome for my sense of self-worth... I was six when the cops found me home... Well, I guess I led them to us. My Dad, he was passed out, too much alcohol I suppose, and my mum was away...I was six, and it looked like he was dead to me...He wouldn't wake up and I got scared. I called 9-11... That was my first mistake. Well, when they found me, the social worker came. They took me, and I spent the night at the foster care center. My dad sobered up in a jail cell because he didn't take care of me supposedly.

They wanted to put me in a foster home, take me away permanently, but my dad wouldn't let it go down...I'd like to think it was because he loved me, and wanted me around but they tell me that it was because of the money he got off of me. There was a court case...I can still remember the disappointment and disapproval on his face when they won.