Restrained

Restrained - Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Amber's POV

Playlist:

•Explosions - Ellie Goulding

•Au Revoir - One Rebublic

•Homecoming - Kanye West (feat.

Chris Martin)

I won't start crying. No, no, no, no. I will not cry. I've cried too much recently, more than I have since I was a child. My heaving chest and my burning eyes make this hard for me. It would be easier to just let it out. But I can't, and I won't.

Driving back to Macy's in my own car was a harder task to do then I expected. Macy noticed the second I walked in the door, and helped my lost cause by letting me walk to my- her- room. No questions asked, no concerned voice or that look pleading me to tell her everything. I owe her so much it probably adds up to my life.

It's so much harder than I expected, restraining myself from being with Niall. I know I thought at one time I loved him. Stupid Naïve Amber. You can't, and you won't, love him. It's literally impossible for me to love him. I have never loved anything in my entire life.

That's not true, you loved him.

I back myself to the wall and slide down it slowly, hitting the wood floor hard. I can't feel correctly, I can't think correctly. All this sh-t is coming too fast. I hardly know that boy with all the tattoos and he hardly knows me. How could I ever think I loved him? I saw it in his eyes today, the hurt I'd caused him, and I knew it would be there. I can't help but hurt people, one way or another. That's why I don't get attached to people. I'd be overly clingy when they don't care enough or vis versa. But I know this time we were both at fault, even if it was him more than me. I've grown to feel numb to physical and mental pain. But Niall, I don't know what he's gone through, and what he's going through. He could feel hurt, blind, senseless. Or maybe he never cared, and doesn't now. I may have thought I saw hurt in his eyes, but that doesn't mean he cares. He could be fine right now, moving on to whoever the next girl is.

But I don't know, that's the problem. I don't know the things the majority of the human race considers worth knowing. I don't know how to handle my feelings. Don't know how to be happy when I should, and when not to be sad. I don't know how to let people into my life, and I don't know how to detach myself from theirs. I do know one thing though. I know that life is easier if you don't let anybody in yours. You don't have to worry about whether or not they'll leave, or if you'll have to leave them.

I scream, I literally scream at the top of my lungs. And I swear I'm too close to throwing this lamp at this freshly painted wall. But I don't, because I know Macy will kick me out of the house. It's happened before. So I just sit in this room for what feels like hours and scream occasionally when I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I don't cry though, I've gotten past that point.

Macy barges into the room at eight, no emotion showing on her face. She's learned to do that over the years. To not give me pity, or anger, or concern. I'll shut you out, so learn to do the same.

"We're going out tonight," she says and I scoff.

"For what, Bingo?" I roll my eyes, knowing it's rude but not caring. Macy mimics me, and walks over to where I'm sitting in the corner and pulls me to my feet.

"To a party," she states, as if it's completely obvious and as if she goes to party all the time

"It's Monday," I say, my common excuse being work even though I don't give a sh-t if I miss. Although with all the time off I took Dani may just fire me.

"Well I'm going, so if you change your mind don't take too long," she says and walks out, quietly closing the door behind her. Can't have a broken door. I actually begin to weigh my options. Go get sh-t faced and momentarily forget about Niall, maybe have some fun. Or stay home, where I can be alone. Niall might even be there, and I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing him with someone else. But when I feel the pit in my stomach, I know I need to go with Macy and let go. I put on this white dress, the first one I find in the closet. I put it on and I don't really look too bad, except for the dark circles under my eyes and my too red eyes. The dress does a bit higher than mid-thigh and has a straight neckline.