Evanescent

Eighteen

It's been a week since I read the last entry. I had a lot of tests and needed to study. This diary entry gets me more angry than the first. But in a weird way it's almost painful seeing how strong I was then. I didn't cry, I didn't show my weakness. Yet here I am today, breaking at the thought of my past. And they say time heals. That's funny because time and a loss of memory hasn't done much healing for me.

Just as I finish reading the diary entry, the door busts open to my room. I jump in surprise and hide the paper. It's just Kellan.

"God, you scared me," I sigh lying back down. He looks at me strange.

"What's got you so on edge?" He asks. I wait a second wondering whether or not to answer. But he doesn't wait. "It doesn't matter, anyway, I just came up to tell you mom and dad are wanting to go to Colorado for spring break. They wanted to know what you thought."

"Yeah," I start,"yeah sounds great."

"Okay," starts to walk away.

Before he gets too far I yell,"Love you, Kel!"

"Good night Nes!" He replies from down the hall. I turn out my lights and drift into sleep

•••••

I'm in my field. With my camera. I take pictures of the grass blowing in the wind.

M"Get a cool one of me in the field!" A voice yells to me. I laugh and click the camera then pull it away from my face.

A tall silhouette stand in the distance, too far to decipher who it is. Maybe Tanner but with darker hair. Maybe Dylan.

I drive home and print off the pictures then the me in my dream runs outside to show the mystery guy them. But it starts to rain and droplets fall right on my pictures. "It's okay we'll take more," he says and lifts my chin up. And the face I see is not Tanner's.

•••••

Morning comes too fast and I get ready in a rush. For some reason I want to ride by myself today so I tell her not to pick me up. I blare my music in the speakers and sing along every now and then.

Something felt weird about that dream. It was so unfamiliar and strange yet it felt more real than anything I've felt in a week. It wasn't me in that dream. I don't know her, yet I know her more than I know myself.

And the face I saw, I don't remember, I just remember the shock that it wasn't Tanner.

I pull up to Bakersfield High and walk in with my loads of stuff. The school is busy, the annoying group of girls are screaming each other's names from down the hall, the dancers and cheerleaders are wearing their uniforms for game day, and the basketball players wear their jump suits occasionally screaming "Game day!" to random people.

I walk to advisory after grabbing my books from my locker. Mr. Quinkle is typing away with his confused yet focused face as usual. I don't have too many friends in advisory, just Rachel. I think about the letter, about her gig.

"So I heard you got strep throat a couple weeks ago," I say awkwardly,"glad you got better."

"Oh yeah it was really bad," she replies clearing her throat,"but I'm better now."

The day goes on as it always does. Just a lot of faking interest and watching clocks. Second period comes and we have a sub so she calls role. Sadly for Jaclyn, she got the original list with everyone's real first names. "Janessica," the teacher says. And breathes out a "here."

The teacher keeps calling names and me being a "B" went right after Jaclyn whose last name is Avery. And then Tanner not long after. But I miss it because the teacher says,"Evan" before he says "here."

After class I see Tanner. "Your first name is Evan?" I laugh.

"Yup!" He smiles,"Family name."

"Lunch today?" I ask.

"Actually I can't today. I have to stay in and work on that social studies project."

"Oh, okay," I hold in my disappointment,"well I'll see you later."

"Later!"

•••••

I go to lunch with my friends. We eat outside as usual. "Omg guys it was so embarrassing,"Jaclyn starts,"she said my real name in front of everyone and I was humiliated!"

"You used to be so proud of that name," Annie says while wiping dressing from her salad off of her mouth. "I remember when we met in kindergarten, I was so jealous of your name."

"So was I!" Grace laughs.

"Do you all remember met we first all met up?" I say.

"Of course!" Jaclyn says. "First grade."

"On the playground," Grace continues.

"Grace wanted to play basketball with the boys," Annie adds.

"But they wouldn't let her," I say.

"So we all formed a team of girls and challenged them to a game!" Jaclyn smiles.

"And we won!" Grace finishes.

"I invited you weirdos over that night!" Jaclyn says.

We finish our meals rather fast so we can get back on time.

"Nessa, I'm only asking because it's been a couple weeks," Annie starts,"but how are you and Tanner?"

"Oh I forgot to tell you guys!"

"What!?" Grace claps.

"We're back together!" The whole group applauds and gives me giant hug.

"Oh my goodness I'm so happy!" Jaclyn says as we walk to the car.

"Yeah," I say. Words can't describe how happy I am. It's like a fuel that pumps inside of me and pushes me forward. He helps me ignore the world and the diary and my past and missing Stella and he points me towards the sun as it rises like a token of hope and love and all that lies ahead of us. "Me too."