Welcome To Wonderland..

Hanging..

*Hey, so this is kinda long.. sorry about the bad writing.* *this scene might be triggering and kind of sad so*

I received a text from my best friend. It was slightly alarming but at the same time I was sure it was just some kind of game she wanted to play. She liked games. She liked making people confused, vulnerable.. And that's what she did. She gave me a challenge. To live a day without her. No communication at all and she told me that if I passed then everything would work out, that i would be okay. At this stage i didnt care about anything.. but i went along with it. 

The day went by and i managed to complete the challenge. I received another text from her after the day had passed.. and my heart sunk..

You did it! Now, please do it everyday. I love you.

And that was it. I froze. I rang her at least 20 times and there was no answer. She wouldnt really have done anything? Would she? Luckily, she lived a few minutes from mine and i ran, i ran as fast as i could to her house. Her parents were out. The door was unlocked and i abruptly pushed it up and let it slam behind me. "DONT DO ANYTHING PLEASE!" i yelled whilst running into the hallway, my head was all over the place and i couldn't think straight. My best friend could be dying..

The staircase creaked as i ran up it, i stopped. Blood prints were stained onto the walls.. confused, i entered the bathroom and my eyes darted straight towards the pretty little blue rug that was covered in blood.. a knife sat amongst the mess but.. where was.. where was she? Suddenly it came to me, we always spoke about the huge tree that stood in her back garden and she always said that, that was her safe place, where she would go, where we should meet if anything happened. 

I made my way down the small staircase and out through the back door. My attention moved to the peaceful tree.. It wasnt very peaceful anymore.. A noose was tied to a tree, and there, suspended above the ground and the rope tight around her small neck she struggled gasping for something so simple, something so natural, oxygen. She had taken away something that surrounds us, something so easy to have, but so easy to take- she had taken her own life. Tears filled my eyes and a scream escaped me. I knew it was to late but i had to try. My aching body used the last bit of energy left inside of me to run over to her and undo the noose. She collapsed.  Her wrists engraved with deep wounds and blood still flowing out of them. She was dying, and i couldnt do anything about it. She wasnt gone yet; she let out one last breathe and whispered " im sorry.." 

  I watched the light fade out of her eyes, her hand growing cold and stone like in my grasp. Every single second I shared with her passed across my mind. I couldn't make the tears stop, and all my regrets about the things i could have done to stop this, all the bad things and insults id ever said were jumping out at me making me feel guilty. I could not comprehend that she was really gone. Never again would I see her all happy and dancing to our favourite bands, or her texting me every second of the day, her jokes and her laugh, it was all.. gone. She'd never smile again. I could not comprehend that she wasn't still in there, and this wasn't just a sick joke. In my mind I kept seeing her open her eyes, and yell at me for crying about her.. I would never be able to hug her. A part of me had just died. I held her close to me and sobbed into her chest.. She was gone, forever. 

***********

Her mother has to go to therapy now because she went into deep depression, knowing that her little girl, the human she carried for 9 months had taken her own life. She blamed herself. Her father regrets not being as involved as he could have been and has shut his emotions off. All the bullies who said stuff to her regret it and have resorted to self harm. Me, her best friend became mentally ill and suicidal. Her friends whom she wasn't close to regret not becoming closer to her. Face it: The pain didn't end when she gave up, she just passed it onto her loved ones. I believe that the moment you hang yourself, overdose, jump off the edge you hurt many people. Everytime your name is mentioned you will be remembered as the person who took a permanent decision on a temporary problem or emotion.                                                                                                                                                                                               She could've recovered. There was more than just that one option. She left me.

And thats when i made my wonderland. I made a place in my head to hide away, to get rid of all of this, but my thoughts just kept on being poisoned by these memories..