Taboo

Mom

I stood up and I was mad. "So you wanna say I'm gay now?"
He got up too "No Bruno I didn't say that I-"
"Don't talk to me okay? I'm not gay and I'll never be."
"Bruno just listen to m-"
"I don't wanna listen to your bullshit anymore." I walked away, I could hear him calling my name but I kept walking.

Who does he think I am? I'm Bruno Mars, I sing about sex and girls.
I am not gay, I'm straight, my family would always tell me that I couldn't be anything else than straight.
I never had problems with gay people but my family did, especially my stepdad. My stepdad..

He would always beat me up when my mom left to her work. I was the only one he would beat up.
Because of him I have a mental disorder, I'm aggressive, I don't know how to handle my feelings.
I never told my mom about it, I didn't wanna hurt her so I just kept it to myself.
When my friend Ryan came out of the closet, everyone accepted it, expect for my stepdad. Since that day my stepdad didn't let him come to our house, every time when I was with Ryan he would beat me up later.
I never understood why.
Every night he would get drunk and get mad at me for no reason. He would come up to me and tell me that if I ever leave Hawaii, he'll beat my mom.
I came to the point when I was scared of him and I told my mom everything and soon as I told her, she got to the police and they put him in jail.
After that me and my mom became very close.

Shit, don't cry please..

Since my mom passed away, everything has been different.
I felt like I didn't just lost my mom, I lost my best friend too..
It broke my heart seeing her breathing her last breath in that hospital bed. I remember what she told me:
"Follow your heart, I'll be there."

I hate when I think about my mom. It makes me so sad that she isn't her. If she would've been here, I'd ask her advice, she'd always know what to do.

Mom, if you can hear me, I need you right now, I don't know what to do, how to feel.. This is just too much for me to handle, please help me.

What am I doing? She isn't here, she isn't gonna help me.
I guess I have to do this by myself. All by myself.

****At home****

The first thing I did was going straight to the kitchen and grab my Moonshine.
Just as I was opening the bottle, someone came knocking on my door. What now?
I walked to the door and opened it. It was Phil.

"Hey man." I said.
"Hey man? Bruno I called you like 10 times today, why was your phone off and why didn't you come to the studio?"

"Jesus man. Can you calm down with your questions and get the fuck in?!"
He said nothing and came in. When I closed the door he started talking again.

"Something happened between you and Jessica?" He asked me nervously.
"No. Why would there be anything wrong between us." I said emotionless and taking a sip of my moonshine.

"Because she called me up crying and telling me you wanted her out of your house and you called her a slut." He said mad.
I started laughing and took another sip of my drink.
"I don't see anything funny in this Bruno." He was talking like he was my fucking father or something and it's pissing me off.

"Hello? Earth to Mars?" He was snapping his fingers in my face and it was annoying the shit out of me.

"Tell me the whole story Bruno."
"You wanna know the whole story? Then I'll tell you the whole fucking story." I took another sip of my drink and started talking.

"That bitch was fucking another man in my fucking house, in my fucking bed." I was furious now and I threw my glass to the wall.
"Bru-Bruno calm down."
"Don't tell me to fucking calm down Phil. Everyone I loved became everyone I lost. They leave me. Everyone is leaving me and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of being unloved, I'm sick of being used, I'm just sick of life." I had tears in my eyes.
"I'm.. I'm sorry man." He tried to comfort me.
"Please don't. Don't feel sorry for me. Just leave." I said crying.
"You sure you want me to leave? I mean look at you-"
"I'm fine, really. I just need to cool off."
"Okay.. I'll talk to you later."

He left, and here I am, all by myself, locked up in my mind with my demons inside.

The whole night I heard voices in my head.
"You're not good enough"
"No one will love you"
"You're nothing"
"Nobody loves you"

Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just not someone that can be loved.