I was born bad, but then I met you.

I'm tired of making decisions without thinking.

It was a quite warm morning in Brooklyn. As I walked my way to the bar and my apartment I was thinking about how stupid I was last night.

Mistakes. I did a thousand of them. But now, it seemed I finally grew up an learned how to be a responsible adult...At least that's what I thought until this morning...

I mean, my life finally started to get more interesting. I had a nice job, wrote more songs than ever, Cassie and I went out a lot, and I met Reedus. Two months ago he walked into my life, and we became pretty good friends actually. I think it's all started when we run into each other in Manhattan. Then we had that incredibly entertaining lunch together. After that we talked or sent funny texts and pictures almost every day. He spent his Friday nights in the bar. He was amazed to hear my songs...Mostly, all the conversations were about random things, but this is what friends do, right? They talk about everything what's on their mind. Well, almost everything. I never said anything about my past. He doesn't have to know that I'm a wreck.

Once, a week ago, we were hanging out in my apartment when Reedus asked me about a song I sang at the concert. It was about John. My first love. My first everything. When I told him I was about to leave Nebraska after graduation he freaked out. I wanted him to come with me, but I never had the heart to ask him. I was way too vain and dumb... Eight months passed by, Cassie and I settled down in Las Vegas, I missed him more than anything. We talked on the phone sometimes, but still, I couldn't tell him how much I loved him. And then, out of blue, I got a letter from Nebraska. Johns father invited me to his funeral. He died in an accident. I never went back to Nebraska.

How should've I put it? Tell Reedus the whole thing? No fucking way. I was only 10 minutes away from the bar. My head was full of thoughts.

So, when he asked about the song I just shrugged. "Come on! It's the darkest song I've ever heard. It must mean something!" His words echoed in my head. I said a simply 'maybe' and sent him a smile. He didn't dropped the subject. "There's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is haunting me and telling me, that everything is fine, but I wish I was dead. Laroche! It's deep and dark. People don't want to die just for fun. Do you mean it?" I didn't say anything, I just stared at the wall. "Do you really wish you were dead?" I didn't wanted to talk about it, so I stood up and told him it's getting late and he should go. He was understanding, and never brought it up again.

After that, everything seemed to be all right. Last night I called him if he wanted to hang out. He gladly said yes, and told me to stay home he'd be there soon. I waited an hour, but he was nowhere. I called him again. His girlfriend answered the phone, and gave me a lecture about how annoyed she is because of my friendship with Reedus, and he wont be able to meet me. Then Reedus took the phone out of her hands and started to apologizing. But he canceled our plans. First, I was angry, but I realized, his girlfriend, Michelle has some privileges. I tried not to feel forsaken, but I wished he were there with me instead of Michelle.

Last night I acted like a jealous teenager, so I called up that one person who was my biggest mistake. I swore to all my friends, specially Dirk, that I would never ever call or meet him again. Jeremy. My on and off boyfriend from NYU. He was an average guy. Our relationship was mostly about sex. As amazing as shameful, divine sex. But then, he cheated on me, humiliated me in front of everyone, then married the girl. After a year marriage he realized what a big mistake he made. We run into each other in the city, and ended up having sex. Again. I felt like a whore. When Dirk found out that I slept with a married man, and that man was Jeremy, he made me promise to never meet him again. But I did. Only when something shit happened to me. I called him, we met, had sex, and in the morning I had to do the walk of shame. Just like this morning.

I didn't wanted to deal with Dirk but I left my keys in the bar, so I had to go in. Since it was quite early I didn't think there would be anyone besides Dirk, but when I entered the bar with my messy hair and smeared makeup, Dirk and two blue pair of eyes looked at me. Fuck. Shit. Motherfucker. Reedus...I think I was more shock than they were. I guess they thought I was still asleep in my apartment.

"Didn't you wore this last night too?" Dirk asked with a suspicious look.

"Morning to you too, brother. Reedus." I nodded as I said his name.

"You look like a mess. What did you last night?" Oh Reedus, believe me you don't want to know.

"Lana, please tell me it's not ehat I think it is!' I just stood there as Dirk waited for an answer.

"It's...ehmm..I was..ehm..God damn it Dirk! I'm a grown up! I don't have to report any move I take!" They both gave me surprised faces. I grabbed my keys, walked, almost run to the back door, then up the stairs to my apartment. I knew Dirk was furious. He exactly knew where I was last night. He always knew it.

I heard a knock on my door. Dirk wouldn't knock, he'd just kick the door open.

"I'm not in the mood, Reedus!" I told him as I opened the door. He looked at me confused.

"What's wrong? what happend?" I didn't say a word. "Did you get in trouble? I thought you stayed home last night.."

"Oh yeah? Why? Just because you cancelled the night you think I have nothing better to do than sit in my apartment??" Well done, me. Bitchy-mode on.

"No, of course not. Don't get me wrong. I'm just worried, just like your brother." He stepped closer, but he still stand at the doorstep.

"You don't have to worry about me! I can take care of myself!"

"Lana, what happened? You've never been like this." His eyes burnt into mine. I gave up. With tears in my eyes I fell into his arms. He took his arms around me, and kissed my head.

"I..I..fucked up...again.." I cried and cried in his arms. "I always...always fuck everything up.."

"Shh...you don't have to talk if don't want to.." He pulled me closer.

He asked if I wanted him to say. I did. He spent almost the whole day with me. At first we talked about everything but the previous events. But when the silence started to be a bit awkward, I looked at him.

"I slept with a married man." His eyes wer full with emotions as he looked at me. So many feelings, exept contempt. It calmed me down, so I told him the whole story.

He listened to me and never judged me for what I did. It was the beginning of a real and strong friendship. Maybe one day I'll be ready to tell him everything.

Although tears were still in my eyes, I felt so much better. When I finished talking I looked into his eyes.

"See? I can't be saved...I'm a wreck." I gave him a sad yet resigned smile.

"Don't fucking say that!" He took his hands on my thigh. "You're not a wreck, you just have to stop making decisions without thinking."

He was right. I was tired of being a messed up lunatic. It seemed so easy with him. He made me feel safe and sound. Things were better when I was with him...