One Page.

She's Back

She stared out with a whisper. Small comments and little remarks. I brushed it off. She began to become more verbal and edgy. I ignored it. She talked right in my ear. Comments of this and comments of that. I pushed past her. Now she's yelling, screaming, laughing. "Your face is breaking out, your stomach looks packed, and those thighs are basically one." She's nasty. I only hear her now.

She's always pinpointing the same things, but she's right about them. She's always laughing at me for even trying to better myself. I try hard to hide all my flaws but looking in the mirror is like shining light on them. My eyes see them or is it just because I KNOW they are there. "Everyone knows, you can't hide it. They all hate you. They all think you're discussing." So do I. I silently respond to her.

She's never alone. She always brings her friend. Together they pound on me merciless and relentlessly. They don't stop until I become a puddle of flesh and bones. Beat down to the end of my strength. Beat down till I can't see, feel, or hear anyone else but them. They like the attention. Believe it or not it used to be worse. Much worse. She used to come with a whole group instead of just one. That's my own little victory. I was able to get rid of them one by one.

She knows I'm fighting her. The friend I mean. She feels her words affect me less and less. She sees me acknowledge her but not succumb to her as easily. I have to give it to her, she's tough. But I'm tougher. At least I think I am. If it were only me and her I'm sure I'd win every time. However, that is not the case. She's just the plus one, the extra, the weaker link. Too easy to get rid of. Too easy of a victory.

She knows I've grown to love my outside, it's the inner demons I can't come to terms with. She's growing weaker, whether she knows it or not I'm unsure. She shows no signs of acknowledging it. Only signs of more aggression. That's my own fault though. It's beginning to take more to begin knocking me down. The simple remarks don't work as well, it's the detail that gets me. "You know you don't deserve him. He's with you due to pity. You'll never amount to anything. Go home, you're too weak to succeed here." Maybe she's right.

I won't stop until I defeat her. She's overstayed her welcome in my life. I'm past the rough years of doubting, fearing, and hating myself. Only then was she welcomed. Not anymore. I don't have time to entertain her childish games, her senseless cruelty, or her meaningless words. I will no longer fear her arrival or shake in her presence. I will face her head on and yell, scream, and laugh at her. Because she is WRONG. I know I am not what or who she says I am. I am my own creator. I am who I make myself to be. I am what I tell myself I am. I AM stronger than her and her friend. I will beat Anxiety and Depression.