I thought i wasn't dependant of anything or anyone, turns out i am. That people mean to me more than i would like it to. That when a bond between friends breaks it hurts so badly that i want to reap out the skin from my chest and crack my head open so it doesn't hurt anymore.
It's like a stained carpet you now?
You try to fix it right away but it's to hard, so you leave it like that for a while and you don't mind it. But when you finally try to make it perfect and spottless as it used to be it's too late.
So you end up having to throw it away, but you love it so much. But you have to do it, so you do. Then you have to change it, but the last one was so beautiful and perfect that you'd prefer walking barefoot and having chills everytime you touch the ground.
But you know that's not gonna happen. So you find and buy a new one. But you feel like such a traitor, thinking that you don't deserve it and that you're going to fuck it up and stain it like the last one. But the carpet is soft and cozy so you go with it and shove that instinct down your throat.
But it doesn't end there, you'll have to change the whole room to fit with the carpet. You now have to start all over again with your color palet and furniture style unless you wanna return the carpet.
So you change it and you think it'll just be a little bit different but you end up changing the walls from blue to red, the furniture from rustic to modern and installing hardwood floors. And you think to yourself "wow, that's a big change, i don't know if i like it" But you don't have many options so you roll with it and say "Ok, it's actually not that bad" and you roll with it "I actually like it, it's pretty cool" and you roll with it until one day you love it, the colors, the shape, everything.
But then in a complete accident you spill a cup of coffee on it. So this time you run for the supplies and try to fix it as fast as you can. But it's not working, so you panic and start throwing every chemical you own on the stain. But you're just making it worse. So you take it to a drycleaner, but there's nothing they can do.
So you have to get rid of it. Again, and again and again and again until one day you realize that it was all your fault, you are the one to blame if you've listened to your gut , be careful or stopped for a fucking minute and think about what you were doing this wouldn't have happened. And then you start thinking "Why do i need a carpet anyways?,having cold feet might not be that bad" And then you think that you deserve it. Oh wait i know maybe i should live in a room with white floors white walls and no furniture. Because that's better than having a stained carpet.
