When China Breaks//Ed Sheeran #Wattys2016 #NewVoices

tinkering

I couldn't sleep. I didn't feel the need to even try since I was going to be forced into sleep in less than five hours. I simply lay awake in the silence, enjoying the sudden simplicity of my life. In five hours, I would be getting my leg amputated. That I had come to terms with. Everything else after that was a mystery and I had to embrace it.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself being on stage, trying to keep my posture while I danced, pretending like my eyes weren't burning from tears and my body wasn't aching from exhaustion. I wasn't going to pretend like dancing was the worst thing in my life. There were worst things I had to go through, like rejection and belittlement. I wasn't going to act like a foot cramp or sore toes were the only painful things. I didn't even know the true meaning of pain until I broke my leg. The pain was on the inside as well as out. This pain is different. It doesn't subside if I just breathe and ignore it. This pain can only be dulled with copious amounts of man-made drugs.

Inhale.

Exhale.

As soon as I exhaled, my phone was buzzing on the edge of the bed. I cracked my eyes open, confused as to who was calling me at the random time of night. I picked up my phone and read the name EdBitchez before smirking and flipping it open. "You aren't really that lame, are you?" I asked him.

"I feel like this is always how we start our conversations. Aaliyah, I am that fucking lame. God! Why do you have to put my business on the street like that! I'm sick of this shit!" He faked anger at me. There was a crashing in the background and I giggled. "I scared the shit outta my cat."

"How did you get my number?" I asked him.

"Funny thing about not having a password is that everyone can go through your phone." He said.

"If you went through my phone, I'm going to cut your balls off and make you eat them on crackers, Ed, I swear." I hissed at him.

"Can we not talk about you touching my balls? It makes me uncomfortable. And calm down. I didn't pay any mind to the sexy bathing suit pictures you took." He assured me, and I felt cold.

"Ed!" I cried.

"Oh my god! You really took--I was kidding, I swear!" He promised me. I breathed a sigh of relief and he laughed awkwardly. "I'm not that weird, trust me."

I let my arms fall beside me and the phone rested next to my head. "Why are you calling me then? At this time? It's three am." I say.

"Well...maybe because I was thinking about you." He said softly. I felt a bit sick to my stomach.

"Yeah, that's dangerous," I tell him.

"What is? Thinking about you?" I fell into myself.

"I don't like you, Ed," I say, not harshly, but just to remind him gently. This would never be more than a friendship, and it was hardly that. We knew each other. That was it. If I hadn't gotten into the car accident, then I would have never talked to him. That was life. And when I left the hospital, I left him, and he needed to understand that.

"Yeah, I know that." He snapped, actually angry. "I know you don't like me. You like jocks and rich guys. You like tall, handsome guys like Doctor Z and--"

"God, shut up." I laughed at him. "And do you think any of those guys will actually ever date me? You're stupid if you do."

"Look, I have a girlfriend, okay? I don't want to be your boyfriend." He said defensively.

"Okay, good. I really don't want you to be. Who is she anyways? You sing about her like she's so great but you aren't ever with her--"

"Nothing. I'll be there after school."

"No, I don't want to see you. Can we spare ourselves the awkward situation?" I asked. My phone beeped three times telling me that he'd hung up. I dropped my phone and sighed. I was starting to wonder about him. His infatuation with hospitals and the people in, his calm demeanor around death and what would usually make people sick. I was starting to wonder about his girlfriend who he never wanted to talk about. Was she even alive?

~

"Okay, Aaliyah, what I need you to do is take long, deep breaths, okay?" The doctor instructed me, holding the mask over my face. My breaths were rapid and shallow, but I tried to calm down.

I couldn't help but think about what would happen if I died. The school would probably give their condolences to my fellow students, and people would move on. Maybe at the dance studio, they would hang a plaque for me. I hardly think my mother would go through so much work, especially for an ingrate.

But then, suddenly, right before all of my thoughts, the good and the bad, slipped away, I imagined Ed. "I'll be there after school." He'd said to me. Well, I thought, so would I.

~

Pain woke me from my sleep. The sleep wasn't satisfying, not at all. It was more like a trap to keep me arm's length away from the pain. But the pain was like the hot rays of the sun, far away just so that I couldn't touch it, but still close enough to burn.

I whimpered as I came to, my throat dry like the first time I had woken up in the hospital. This time, I remembered what happened. I reached for my leg but a hand stopped me. "No, that's not a good idea." A voice said. I tore my eyes open as far as they would go, and a blurry face came I to view. Ed's outline processed and I could see his smile before the rest of his features.

"Hurts." I cried with a weak smile. It did hurt, but the pain wasn't there at the same time it was. I was hurting for the part of me that was gone. I tried to sit up but Ed held me down.

"Relax, okay. I'll get Doctor Z." He said. He pressed the red button on my bed and sat back down in the chair, just looking at me. "I wanted to look, but I knew you would probably punch me if I did."

"You're right." I coughed out. "Did you look?"

"No." He assured me.

"What do you think it looks like?" I wondered.

"I'm not sure. It's all bandaged anyways." He said. I looked and saw he still had my hand in his. I pulled my fingers away slowly. Ed clearly his throat. "I--um--about his morning--"

"We don't have to talk about it," I say. He shook his head.

"I'm not trying to force you to like me--"

"And the princess is awake!" Doctor Z swept into the room. "How are you?"

"It hurts," I said honestly. He sat down and pushed my hair back.

"Aw, darling." He cooed and I admired how absolutely beautiful he was. At least at thought momentarily made me forget about the throbbing in my leg. When I remember my leg was missing, I peeked under the blanket, and there, swaddled with a thick bandage, was what remained of my right leg. I quickly dropped the blanket down, shocked to see my leg was gone.

"Where is it?" I asked him. He looked at me oddly before shipping out a flashlight and shining it into my eyes.

"Is she even awake?" Doctor Z asked. I flinched as the light burned my eyes.

"I'm awake, I just want to know where it is," I asked.

"It's contained." He told me as if I asked him where the Country's nuclear weapon launch codes were.

"I mean, can I see it? It's my leg!" I pressed on.

"No, you can't see it, Aaliyah. It's not like a tooth or a bag of hair. It's a leg. We're required by law to contain any amputated limbs and dispose of them properly." He explained to me as gently as possible. I felt a bit sad. It was like watching someone throw away a steak or something. Perfectly good and useful item, now being tossed away. I thought about wiggling the toes on my right leg, and for a moment, I felt that I did, but there was no movement.

"Oh," I say quietly. "I just want to go back to sleep. Is there something that can help with the pain?" I asked him.

He nodded. He handed me a small paper cup with two pills in it. I drank from a cup of water and swallowed down the pills, then, despite the fact that they really weren't working just yet, felt relieved. I pulled the blanket up to my neck and squeezed my eyes closed, ignoring the pain, reminding myself that there were worse things in the world besides the pieces of me that were somewhere being disposed of.