When China Breaks//Ed Sheeran #Wattys2016 #NewVoices

never leaving

Ed was a very good actor.

When he returned to school, he returned with confidence as if nothing had happened to him. People were desperate to find out what happened to him, and he made up a half-hearted lie about having the stomach flu and becoming dehydrated. Brilliant, yes, but still a lie.

I couldn't help but watch him from afar at lunch, seeing how he tried to keep himself upright, trying to keep a smile on his face, but every few minutes he would fade away, and his eyes would become glassy. It was miserable to see him trying so hard to pretend as if he was okay. I knew what he was trying to ward off was different from sadness, and he couldn't just get over it, but he could at least quit pretending, even for a day.

After school, Ed was leaving and I wanted to hurry so I could try to be at his house by 3:45. I rushed to my locker and tossed my afternoon bag into it before grabbing my backpack. I slammed my locker shut and turned around, surprised to come face to face with Jeremy for the first time in months. He had his hand tucked into his pockets, his normal shy posture. "Jesus, you scared me!" I snapped at him, clutching my chest.

"I'm sorry," he reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"I'm okay," I said before moving around him. I didn't quite care what he wanted to say because I wanted to catch Ed. Besides, all of the things he wanted to say he could have said to me a long time ago, but now he was way too late.

"Aaliyah, will you wait for two seconds?" He demanded. I turned around, fuming, my hands balled into fists.

"What?" I demanded.

"I wanted to say sorry." He explained "I'm sorry for not coming to visit you in the hospital. I know you and Ed are good friends--"

"He's my boyfriend," I corrected him.

"Oh. Well, I know you like him a lot and it was hard to see that last week. I mean the accident. Yes, that's what I mean." He tripped over his words. I loosened up a little bit. "I'm really sorry. I just didn't know how to face you after everything, and as time went on, it got harder and harder to try to bring myself to own up to it."

I hiked my bag up. I wanted to say something my but voice was frozen in my throat. "I never deserved you or anything I got from you, Aaliyah. Ed does, so I'm sorry anything happened to him. Is he okay?"

I relaxed a bit. "I don't know," I said honestly. "But I'm going to go talk to him. I probably missed him by now." I whined.

"I'll give you a ride if you need one." He offered. I shook my head.

"I got one, but thanks," I say. I wasn't sure how to follow up with anything he said. When it comes to having conversations with people, I was a bit clueless. The only conversations I ever really had anymore were with Ed. The ones that weren't with him were with Peggy or my other doctors. Yes, pain, no, pain, drugs make me weary, sometimes I forget to take calcium supplements. So when people actually interacted with me on a level that was solely about my personal feelings and not my physical state I was rather confused with it all.

I walked outside to the van where Mary Ella was waiting. "Hi," I say to her. She smiled at me, and I noticed she seemed a bit more upbeat than usual. I could only assume that there was some brightening her day because it sure wasn't me. Maybe it was Mr. Sullivan.

"Hi! How was school?" She asked me. I shrugged.

"Just...horrible," I say honestly. Her smile faltered and I realized that I was going to bring her down by making her feel obligated to ask me about my problems, so I should have just lied. "We had a bitchy sub, that's all. I'm just over reacting."