The Tattoo // Kellin Quinn

16. Choke On My Heart That You Broke

A lot of you are probably gunna hate me after this update. I will allow you to unleash your fury and hatred upon me. I will fully understand your anger and pain. Just remember that I love you all no matter what and that this is fiction okay? I love you and continue.

KELLIN P.O.V

When are you coming home?

A quick subtle message sent from my phone to Lottie's on the tortuous drive home. One hand was steering the wheel, my mind on auto-pilot. My other hand was in my hair, elbow on the door. I have no clue what's going to happen when she walks in the door later tonight like nothing happened. Hell, I don't even know what's going to happen when I drag myself through the door. My teeth chewed holes on the inside of my bottom lip, my troubled thoughts burning holes through my clouded brain. All I could see was Lottie and Austin on the floor. All I could think about was what was going to happen three seconds ahead of time. All I could feel was my skin crawl at the memory. All I could taste was the bitterness of realisation on my tongue. All I could hear was their moans through the glass of the window. My stomach was churning, my blood boiling, my chest heaving, my breathing quicken. The tears haven't relented since I popped my head up to look through that window and they showed no signs of stopping. I just wanted the pain to end but it never seems to be ending. I don't want to be here anymore! I don't want to deal with all this bullshit! Why can't I just hide in a corner in a ball and let this all wash over me? Why did this happen to me?

I was afraid to step foot back in that apartment, only God knows what's going to happen. Cautiously, I left my car, not bothering to lock it up, before bounding up to the elevator up to the fourth floor apartment. My thick silver dead-bolt key turned furiously in the gold lock and I shoved open the heavy white door. The living room, with its light brown floorboards and white shaggy rug now seemed to be laughing at me. The kitchen, decorated in red and black now looked evil. I couldn't handle the inanimate objects judging me so I escaped to the bedroom. I was running away from the house furnishings because they were judging me. I was really head-fucked after that little episode on the bad side of town. The bedroom, white walls with light brown carpets, white and brown bedspread and the walls covered with photos. The tears dried, depression washing itself clean from my system, replacing it with anger. My palms clenched up into balls of fury, ready to destruct anything in my eye line. I struck the wall with my fist, leaving a sizable hole and an ache in my hand. My attention turned to the bed, ripping apart the sheets and pillows until the floor was covered in mounds of down and material. I sprinted across the room to the wardrobe and chest of drawers, shredding through all the clothes. I upturned the dirty hamper and tossed it so hard that it split a huge crack in the wall.

A small stick shaped object was wrapped in white toilet paper sat on top the pile of dirty laundry. I sat cross-legged on the piles of my destruction and twirled the stick in my hands. I unravelled the stick and a white and pink rod fell in my lap. I picked it up and my brain instantly clicked on what the two little pink lines meant. Lottie was pregnant. But who was the father? I searched high and low in my brain, thinking back to the last time we had sex which wasn't that long ago. Had we always been careful? Was she careful with Austin? I didn't know, but all I knew was that the plot was thickening here. I was so disgusted in her that I didn't even want to think about the possibility that the kid could be mine. I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. Right now, she was a good for nothing slut. I gave up everything for her. Everything! I lost my wife, my child, my band and this is how she repays me?! I uprooted my entire life because I thought that my forever was going to be with her. Fuck wasn't I wrong? I had been through hell and back to get to where we are and when things are finally falling into place she just messes up all of our hard work.

Lottie and I have been toxic together since day one. I cheated on my wife for nearly a year, I lied to my family and my band, and I tore apart my daughter's family... If that's not toxic, then I don't know what is. All that I thought I knew was shattered, the illusion of us was now gone and I was left to deal with the aftermath of the storm. It seems to me that the person I needed the most hurt me more than anything else. I would take a bullet for Lottie, but it seems that she was the one behind the gun. This has to be a punishment from God, a taste of my own medicine if you will, this was guilt and sadness and it was bitter in my mouth. I finally knew what it was like to be Kate when she found out I had been cheating on her and I felt so terrible. All I wanted to do was make this pain stop! The pounding thoughts in my brain were burning the backs of my eyes like acid. My eyes stung from the tears, my mouth was dry, my knees were weak, my fists aching.