"Hold my hand" ~ Taekook ♥

Than.

"That book was the physical evidence of my mind written in riddles and rhymes."

 -departedlovers

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Rrrring Rrrrring Rrrrring Rrrrring

Ughh why is someone calling me? I pushed my aching body off the floor only to realize I was completely surrounded by darkness and confused as hell on where I was. Oh right, then I remembered that I decided to take a nap in front of the main door right after I arrived. I got up and turned on the lights. As I walked around the house closing the curtains I checked my phone to see who was calling a few minutes ago. Shit, mom. I immediately stopped what I was doing and called her back.

"Hello.... mom?"  

"Where the hell were you Taehyung? I called you 3 times and now you call back?"

"Sorry mom, I was in the bathroom."

"Well whatever, I am out shopping with a friend of mine and your dad comes back from work at 9 tonight. There is leftover food in the fridge from yesterday. Eat then go study, you hear me! I don't want to see such low pathetic marks anymore. Do something right for once in your life and study. UNDERSTAND!"

"Yes. Bye mom."

 ... beep.... beep...beep......

  ".... love you mom."   . . . beep...beep..

Love you too Taehyung.

I went and grabbed my bag near the door and doubled checked it's locked before I headed upstairs. Once I got to my room I grabbed more comfortable clothing's, my towel and phone. Once inside I turned on my phone playing some music and then decided to jump in the shower. God I love the moments I get the house to myself. The peaceful moments where I feel like I'm the only one in the world. Doing as I please with no fear, singing or dancing, sleeping or daydreaming, I love it when the world forgets about me and I can breathe peacefully. These are moments that give me hope that maybe, just maybe everything will work out. I know it was temporary happiness but it was enough for me. After an hour of washing up and relaxing I started to get a bit dizzy so I decided to head out. I wrapped the towel and walked to the foggy mirror. Beautiful. Through the fog and blur, my eyes strong gaze softened, my dark skin lightens and I became beautiful. But it pained me more to smile at the lie right in front of me.

I quickly wiped the mirror and saw my true reflection.

There it is, the truth. The ugly truth. My ugly eyes looking back at myself as it scanned my body and plucked and picked at my skin. I wonder how people can stand to look at me? Well, they look but they have never seen. They say hello but they make sure not to get too close. They admire my eyelashes but never my eyes, because they know if they look at my eyes they will see the truth that resides in me. The darkness I myself refuse to see. But my eyes were windows and people knew. So they never looked long enough, they knew what was in me. And I don't blame them, I didn't even look at myself in the eyes. I knew what I was mad of, I knew.

I broke down once more and cried and cried and cried like my cry was long overdue, but it wasn't..... because it seems that I have been crying almost every night and I had no control over my hopelessness. I sat down on the cold tiles with the small metal scissors in my hand. I could use a razor but I did that once and I accidentally cut wayyy too deep. At that time, I just wanted a form of release but I couldn't even do that right. Plus, scissors provide the same feeling because I cut hard enough, just without the beautiful red stained blood. The cuts and red lines hurt and only lasted a few weeks, allowing me to make more just as I pleased. I placed the scissors on my upper for-arm and started cutting then moving to my stomach then lastly to my outer thighs. I cut at my wrist only when things get too bad, only when the voices get too loud. But I'm afraid of people finding out so I never ever cut in certain areas. Plus, the chances of me getting caught is high considering that I left up my sleeve when I get nervous subconsciously, or when I do the dishes, or when I wear short sleeves in gym class, so no way am I cutting near my wrists and getting caught.

After a few minutes of feeling numb with only the throbbing pain of the cuts, I got up and got dressed. I cleaned the washroom after me then headed back to my room. Once inside I set up my table so it looks like I am studying but I knew that was another lie. I grabbed my book out of my bag, scribbling words of nonsense inside before wrapped it up around my purple pillow case before placing it under my mattress. That book was the physical evidence of my mind written in riddles and rhymes. I plugged my headphones in and played Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles before sliding into my bed and crawling near the wall, her voice always helped me to relax. So calming and enchanting, she made me feel . . . free. The whole house was quiet and all the lights were off, showing no signs of humans inside, the only light emitting out of my plastic stars on the ceiling but they were only for my eyes to see. My house easily blended in with the forest, as my soul found it way too easy to become one with the darkness as I slowly went to sleep.

|| And in the quiet hum of night, I lay my head to rest. Coldness within my bones sinks into the warm floor. Cold seeps throughout the house from my soul and I become one with drywall and paint. I simply exist in this house, nothing more nothing less. Just the quietness of night and darkness coiled into one. ||