Doctor Who and the Lost Secret

Chapter 8: Nightmares

"Help!" I screamed. But no one heard, no one seemed to notice. They just advanced at me. I backed up into the corner they forced me in, fear igniting every part of my being. What do I do? The tears rolled down my eyes knowing what was going to happen next. Knowing that I would only have the matter of seconds to live before they killed me. 

I stared directly at them, there was no point in talking to them, I had tried that on many occasions and it always had the same ending. Me- dead. My back slammed into the cold hard wall behind me. This was it, with nowhere to go and the unforgiving wall stopping me from escaping I had no choice but accept my fate. 

Before I met my end I always looked around above my murderer's. The structure of the building had crumbled and the roof had caved-in causing a choking cloud of smoke to fill the atmosphere. The last image I managed to savour was the sky. 'I did it for you' I thought. And then they killed me. 

My eyes opened startled by the nightmare. My heart hammered against my chest as it usually did after that particular dream. I looked around the room, trying to bring myself around. It was just a dream I cooed myself. "You're fine. You're safe. No one is trying to hurt you..." I whispered.

"Are you alright?" A cool voice asked from across the room. The Doctor. The blood rushed to my cheeks. How much did he hear? 

"Yeah" I replied sitting up to look at him. I fell asleep, in some form of changing room it seems. I thought back to earlier this evening. All the mud and climbing and sprinting and falling to my death inside a tree. My eyes flashed to my arms which were grazed and bruised. My clothes were still ripped and ruined, I hadn’t even managed to change into some new clothes. Or wash. Was this what all his journeys were like? My hands touched a crumpled piece of fabric beside me. It must have been dubbed as my pillow for the night. I picked it up too inspect it more closely. It was a pale blazer with some form of vegetation as a broach. Is that celery?

"What, never seen a vegetable before?" The Doctor asked pretending to be offended… I put the jacket down more confused than ever. "You still haven't answered my question properly..." He added more seriously.

"Yes. I'm fine. It was just a nightmare." I said nonchalantly hoping he didn't notice the sheen of sweat that still covered my face.

I looked up at him trying to give a reassuring look.

“That’s not what I meant.” He replied walking over and sitting down beside me. “Cali, about before…”

The memories instantaneously rushed back to me. The guilt washed over his face as the pain of the memories flooded through my body. He didn’t want to bring me. He only did it because he had no choice. I looked away from him trying to contain my emotions.

"What about it? It was only the truth, right? You couldn't help it. None of us could." I said trying to restrain the choking sound that threatened to reveal my true emotions. I felt my heart and throat tighten with bitter sadness. 

"Exactly. We couldn't help it." By now the tears began to spill from my eyes, I couldn't control it anymore.

"So does that make it all fine then? You didn't mean to admit that you didn't even want me here in the first place!" I shouted glaring at him again. Anger doused my heart, he lied to me, he doesn’t like me. Why should I cry in front of him and give him the satisfaction. I wiped the tears from my face quickly and looked away from him towards the many hangers of clothes around the room.

He looked away too, his own emotions lurking behind his mask. He could hide it from his face, but not his eyes.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be so alone.” I stated bluntly, the anger subsiding slightly inside me. “I have no friends, or family. Then you came, and gave me hope. I even started to trust you, but you’ve been lying to me this whole time! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be rejected and unwanted and so utterly alone all the time?” I questioned him. I probably shouldn’t be pouring my heart out too him, but it was too late to take it back. He needed to know how I felt.

He turned around so he was facing me. He cupped my cheek in his hand and pushed my face too look at his. My eyes reluctantly met his. “I know what it feels like Cali.” He whispered. His eyes were solemn, dark, and bitterly alone. You could see all his heartache and misfortune and memories mixed into the hazel-grey of his eyes. They were old, sad and tired. I have never seen such a pair of eyes. “I’m the only one left of my kind. There is no one else like me and there never will be again. My home planet was destroyed, there is no one for me to go too and nowhere for me to go.”

His eyes stayed focused on mine, tears smeared my vision, I couldn’t look at the sadness any longer. He wiped the falling tears away with his thumb. He is like me…So why is he pushing me away?

 "Why didn't you say?" I whispered to him realizing his own pain. 

"It's not something I just tell anyone." He said. "But I know how you feel..." He said his free hand reaching for my mine. "I'm sorry that you had to find out this way but it doesn't mean I don't want you here now." He explained giving me a reassuring squeeze. His hands were warm and soft, I could feel the repetitive thud of his pulse on his wrist.

Does he really want me to stay? Or is he just saying that because he has no choice. I mean, if the Tardis will not move without me being on board then how can I be sure that he's not just lying? It's quiet clear that Clara doesn't want me here. But how can I say no to the possibility of exploring the entire universe? Maybe I could find a home out there. Surely out of the entire universe I could find a home. 

“How can I trust you?” I asked, voice shaking.

“Because you’re just like me. We need to stick together. I won’t leave you, nor do I want to leave you. Yes. I did bring you on board because the TARDIS wouldn’t travel otherwise, but that’s not to say I don’t want you here now. The TARDIS stopped me from making a very big mistake.” He replied a small genuine smile forming in the corner of his lips.

 "Are you sure?" I sobbed.

"I wouldn't have it any other way" he said the smile increasing in size. He pulled me too him in an embracing hug. I wrapped my arms around him feeling little butterflies in the core of my stomach. I have never hugged a man before. I smiled at the new experience. It wasn’t awkward like I thought it would be. It was welcoming and secure more than anything. He pulled away too soon and looked at me, I could feel his warm breath on my skin.

“I’ll let you get some more rest. You look tired.” He said calmly before leaving me in the room alone with nothing but the memory of his smile and the sensation of his hug.

He was right, I was tired. Shattered actually. My eyes were burning and heavy, reminding me that I need to sleep. I struggled onto my feet stiffly. Maybe the floor wasn’t the best place to crash. All my muscles stretched and flexed as I pulled and twisted my body in different directions.

I should sleep, but I need to change and wash first. As I strolled to the bathroom I could feel the excitement building up inside me. The very thought of it made my whole body tingle with anticipation. Yes, I could stay with the Doctor, he seemed to be genuine. But why settle for second best. There is a whole universe out there with millions of different planets. This could be my chance to find a new home, away from earth, away from the Doctor and away from my old life.