The End

#9- I Go Crazy Because Here isn't where I want to be

Chapter Nine- I Go Crazy Because Here Isn't Where I Wanna Be

May 20th

It has become an every other night occurrence for me and Jordan to get high or drunk. We found some actual liquor, so we've been drinking that. It tastes horrible, but it makes us happy.

We are worried about the day that we will finish off our supply, which will be soon considering how often were smoking it. I understand how wrong it is, but what else is there to do in times like these? One day I may regret this, but I don't care at this moment.

It gets easier to handle each time I take a hit or I take a drink. I no longer cough as much as I used to and I don't feel the urge to puke as soon as I take a drink. With every hit, my troubles fade away. With every drink my problems seem like nothing. I have these moments of clarity when I'm drunk and it makes me see the world differently. I realize how dumb I am to be 16 and drinking and smoking my life away, but I don't want to be here.

Every day that I wake up hung-over I regret the night before, but then I remember why I did it, and I no longer care. So what I feel like puking up my insides and like there's a person with a sledgehammer in my head? It was all fun while it lasted.

Emma has taken up getting contact highs, and we cant tell her not to do it, we're getting high quite often. She sits there, laughing with us. She has yet to drink, thankfully. But its turned into a party type of thing. Emma enjoys being somewhat happy along with us.

The morning after our "party" we all have killer headaches, Jordan the worst of us all because he ends up smoking some of the resin at times.

I have began to keep Advil and Tylenol in my room just so that we can quickly obtain it, spray ourselves and go join our parents. They never question it, they're just happy that we're spending time together.

We've all decided that Gramps is more than likely dead now, and we've gotten over grieving. Jordan and I made an agreement to go out "looking for gramps" together. And today, we're going to do it.

We all walk downstairs together, hoping they will not realize that we wince every time we step. I step into the kitchen and get some water and an apple- lunch. I sit at the table and slowly eat it in a daze. Jordan joins me with a grapefruit and stares at the table for a while. Once we break the daze and actually begin eating, Mom and Dad walk in.

"I think the ash is getting inside." Dad announces thoughtfully.

My eyes go wide and I choke on my bite of apple. Jordan gives me a chill-out-before-they-realize-something-is-up look, so I cough and stare at my father. "What do you mean?"

"It always smells like smoke. It's slightly familiar but it's probably just the ash." He replies, scratching the back of his neck.

"Oh." Jordan stands abruptly. "Me and Danni are going to go look for Gramps."

Mom looks at us. "Together?"

"Yeah," I cut in. "It's safer than going alone."

She nods and we leave, hoping Emma won't tell them what we're actually up to.

I take Jordan to the druggie house and lead him to where I found the stash. He begins searching for more while I go look throughout the house for anything alcoholic besides mouthwash.

I hear drawers and cabinets slamming shut each time Jordan has an unsuccessful attempt. I hear a drawer crash when opened, but it goes silent. Even five minutes later I hear nothing. I shrug and go on with my search. Eventually, in the back of a cabinet by the old, rusty fridge, I find rum- coconut rum; Beer, several types, different brews; whiskey, I've heard it burns when if goes down..oh well? Right?; absinthe and moonshine. These guys really liked having a stash of everything, didn't they?

I put all the bottles on the counter and run upstairs to tell Jordan about my find. Instead, I find him sitting on one of the kids' beds staring at a baggie, full of the Devil's lettuce. I gawk at how full it is, but Jordan stays in his haze, seeming to be thinking about this intensely. Finally, he looks up at me with wide eyes.

"Do we really want to continue this every night? It seems hardly right to be wasting our last months on earth getting drunk and high every single night. We need to be more responsible about what we do these days. I don't want to die knowing that I didn't spend what we had left separated from our parents."

I look back with a guilty look, feeling like a child who was reprimanded for knocking over a precious vase my mom got from her relative. I stare at him, hoping my face tells him how much I do but also don't care. I want to continue, but all we have left is our family.

I grab a random bag from the room and load it up with random bathroom supplies ranging from tampons to extra tooth brushes. I walk out and go downstairs grabbing all the canned food and anything that wouldn't spoil for a while. Finally, I go back upstairs and grabbed another bag and take the drug from Jordan; I rush back down and grab the alcohol. As we walk out, Jordan gives me a disappointed look but keeps his mouth shut. On the walk back I contemplate just throwing the bag in the middle of the road, but I'd rather stick it to Jordan and keep him fuming on the inside.

When we get back I quickly dash upstairs and hide the drug and alcohol then go back down and help Jordan put up what we found. Mom and Dad seemed impressed with what we found, surprisingly. Emma meets my eyes and we both go upstairs and break the seal to the absinthe. With each drink we hold back gags and our tears of pain. We both hate the taste and smell, but what else is there to do?