Atelophobia (Billy Costigan x Madolyn Madden)

Three

He was starting to lose himself.

It came slowly, but as he lost everything else, more pieces of him left, too.

He feared, that soon enough his body would be an empty shell and his conscience, spirit and soul would leave - just as everything else had. He wanted to be normal again. He wanted to love and be loved.

He was halfway there. He felt love for her, he felt affection, he felt passion. The way she looked at him, scanning his scarred and tattered skin up and down, looking at his face that constantly wore a worried expression. The way she shook when he put his hand on her. He knew it wasn't the cold getting to her. He knew damn well it wasn't the cold.

When he first saw her he wanted to lunge after her with a desire close to a wild animal after fresh kill. He wanted to grab her and kiss her with such force it would cause the tides to shift. But after he met her, after he drank coffee with her and got to know her, he wanted to kiss her with such a sweet gentle touch that she would never get the feeling of his velvet lips off of hers.

He wasn't sure what had gotten into him, because he'd always been, for the most part, emotionless. He'd never felt love for someone like he did her. It was new to him, scary. He'd been hurt so many times he didn't want to risk it again, or worse, risk it for her. He didn't want to hurt her. She was so sweet and delicate. He wanted to hold her in his arms and feel every inch of her skin on his. He wanted to know all about her. Her interests, thoughts on afterlife, views on the world, everything. He wanted to be so close to her he could count all the strands of hair on her head.

He craved her.

Not her body alone, no. He craved her and her entirety. Her body, mind, soul, spirit, fears, flaws. Everything.

He felt a consistent need to protect her. Not be possessive or demanding over her, but keep her safe and sheltered from all danger in the world. He'd go after anyone who laid a finger on her, let alone hurt her. He wanted to be her safety. The one she came crawling to when she was hurt or needed love. The one she felt close enough to to tell everything. He wanted her to want him just as bad as he did her.

But what he didn't know was that she did.

----------

His life had gotten to the point of no feeling. He was undercover more often than not. He hardly knew anything about himself anymore, but one thing he did know is that he wanted Madolyn. He wanted her so badly he could hardly stand it anymore. He called her.

"Hello?" her familiar voice said.

"Hey, I was uh, wondering if, you were busy tonight?" he asked.

"I'm free as far as I know." she replied.

"Want to go out for dinner?" he asked hesitantly.

"Uh, yeah, I would actually." She said. "I've missed you."

He blushed. "I...I've missed you too. So there's this Italian place we could try if you're up to it?"

"Yeah, I'd like that. I just, uh, have to wait until Colin leaves to work on something he's been talking about." She said.

"Okay. Call me before you leave so I'll know what time to get there." He told her.

----------

"I've never really liked Alfredo sauce." Madolyn said.

"Really?! How do you live?" He laughed, twirling a fork with pasta and Alfredo.

"I dunno, really. I just prefer tomato I guess. I don't see how you eat it." She giggled.

"My mom always used to make it, so I guess that's where I got my liking." He said.

"My ma would always make this really amazing lasagna, I guess everyone's mom has some sort of Italian in them." She said, smiling.

"I know this is a bit of a drastic subject change, but what's going on with Colin and you?" He asked.

"Things are getting pretty serious." She said. His heart sank.

"I'm still not so sure where I stand though, yet." She said, sipping from her drink. "I mean, between you and I, he's a really great guy. He appreciates me and shows affection, but..." She trailed off.

"But what?" He said, looking concerned.

"I...I just don't know right now, Billy." She looked down. "I'm just very confused."

"Are we friends?" He asked.

"Yeah, we are..." She said.

"I think for the sake of things right now, we should remain just friends." He said. He was breaking his own heart but he didn't want to hurt her or get Colin angry enough where he'd hurt her.

"Of course, Billy." She said.

"Just friends." He said, nodding and biting his lip.

"Just friends." She said with a pain-stricken voice.

They knew their feelings had shifted quickly. Not that long ago, they didn't know each other. He was rude to her at first, as she was to him, but now they were growing attached to each other. Soon, they both knew, if boundaries weren't set up, they'd both become seriously attached. It was the kind of people they were. They knew without saying that each other wanted more, but they were both in dangerous situations. Billy, every day, faced a life threatening job, and Madolyn was with a man already - Billy's enemy, to be more precise.

They both knew good and God damned well that even going out for coffee and dinner was putting both of them at risk. They had to live with constant fears of being discovered together. Billy also knew the kind of person his rancid boss was. Frank Costello, a well-known gang leader. If Billy pissed him off, he would hurt Madolyn, and then he'd never be able to live with himself.

Madolyn knew if Colin found out about Billy, he'd probably shoot him or something. She wasn't going to risk the life of the person she wanted to be with. She was going to have to lie, something she didn't want to do, to keep them in secrecy.

They stood outside the restaurant and said their goodbyes. They knew what was at stake for both of them.

"I guess I'll see you around, huh?" He said.

"Of course. Call me anytime you want to talk." She said back to him.

They both turned and went their separate ways, painfully trying - and failing, to detach themselves from one another. They needed to be with each other, needed each other's comfort, and protection.

They needed each other more than anything.