Atelophobia (Billy Costigan x Madolyn Madden)

One

It was late in the afternoon when she first met him, he was her last patient of the day - she hoped he would be easy. Talk a little, maybe cry, if he needed to. She wasn't expecting him to be like he was at all. No amount of psychiatry training could have prepared her for this patient.

Her first impression of him made her heart skip a beat. She saw how gorgeous he was, first of all, he had blonde hair, blue eyes, and beautiful pink lips. Stop that! She thought to herself. You have a boyfriend! She tried her best to not bask in the warmth of his beauty, but she failed.

Even though he was gorgeous, he looked like he was in pain. Serious pain. The kind of pain where you'd do anything to help the person suffering. She wanted to hold him in her arms and let him sob into her chest, hell, he looked like he needed it. He looked tired, his eyes were swollen, as if he hadn't slept in a while.

He looked her up and down with something she couldn't quite place. Desire? Lust? He eyed her as if she was underneath him and he had to keep her in place with his stares. He thought the same of her as she did of him. God damn, she's gorgeous. He thought to himself. Her face for one, was beautiful. She had beautiful cheekbones and long eyelashes and even though she looked like she was going to implode from stress, he couldn't help but think of her as a goddess.

She took a deep breath as he sat down before her, eager to see him make progress.

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She soon came to realize she wasn't dealing with any normal guy. He had been through a lot, she knew. She could read him like a book, for the most part. She had never been spoken to that way nor had she been treated like she was a source...for drugs. She knew she had the responsibility of helping others, but she'd never, in all her years of giving therapy had anyone who'd possessed the balls to blatantly ask for drugs on their very first session come to her office. She was surprised by it.

She was even more surprised when he asked her if she wanted to get coffee.

Even more surprised when she agreed.

When she gave him the prescription, his hand brushed by hers. It was warm and soft and it felt powerful, as if it could build a fortress or tear down a city. She wondered how many times his trigger finger had struck someone dead with a simple squeeze.

He smelled of a musky cologne, that went deep into her nose, filling her lungs and brain with a sensation that would forever be locked into her brain reminding her of him.

She couldn't wait for coffee with him. Billy.

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"Colin?" she sat up on the bed, clutching sheets to her bare chest. "I'm going to make some tea. Do you want any?" No response. After sex it was normal to cuddle and fall asleep for most people, but it was clear Madolyn was left unsatisfied by his... attempt. She got up and threw on her shirt. Her and Colin had talked about it the other day, how it was normal for many guys, but he still wanted no part in a conversation concerning his sexual health.

As the tea kettle began to heat up, she couldn't help herself but wonder what he - Billy - was like. She wondered if he was as hard at it as his words and accusations of her lying or as sweet as his invitation for coffee. She knew she needed to stop thinking about him, but she couldn't. She couldn't.

She felt a need for him, a need to be with him. He needed someone anyways, from what he sounded like. She thought this would be a way to justify herself, yes, by saying he did need her, after all, he did pose drug-seeking behavior, right? It was her job to look after him - but no! She transferred him to another counselor. He wasn't hers, right? He wasn't hers to look after anymore. Damn it!

Her thoughts were interrupted by Colin. "Ya gonna get that?" he said, referring to the whistling tea kettle. "Or are ya just gonna let it catch my house on fire?" She hurried over and took the kettle off the stove, pouring herself some of the hot liquid, trying to concentrate on that instead of anything else.

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He was not one to fall for anyone - ever. So why was he so obsessed with her? He had locked her into his head, and he couldn't get her out. He knew he needed to stop. She was his counselor. But she was just that. Was. Not is. But what really stuck with him was when she actually tried to help him. He knew after he left her, his last hope for anything to calm himself down would be to go to the back alleys of Boston where the addicts were, and he'd have to pay 3 times the price for what he needed. But she wrote him the prescription, she cared about him, didn't she?

Of course she did, she said they'd need more meetings before she'd normally give a prescription. She wasn't doing that because it was her job, she was doing it because she wanted to help him. Maybe she wanted him here. Maybe, if anything, she wanted to be with him, just as badly as he wanted to be with her.

He wanted to be with her not in a way of pure lust, but one of affection and comfort. He wanted to grab her and not let go. He thought of how her hand felt earlier when it brushed his, soft and delicate. She was delicate, wasn't she? She looked like she was dainty and delicate but he could also see her kicking somebody's ass if need be. Why was he thinking about her so much?

He needed to focus on his job as a rat in Costello's unit. Put all your focus on your job and be the best rat you can be! He thought to himself. He knew how dangerous things were in his line of work, but he did it anyway. He needed to make a purpose for himself in life, he needed to be successful at something, and if it was letting somebody use him, then so be it. At least he'd succeed.

He thought about death, he thought about dying. Quite a lot, actually. He had no close family besides his cousin, his deadbeat cousin. He knew the risks of what he was doing with himself. If he died right now, nobody would remember him. Costello would just think of it as another day's work, Queenan wouldn't give a fuck, and his family would forget him, hell, they'd lost so many people already. But Madolyn, maybe...