Atelophobia (Billy Costigan x Madolyn Madden)

Four

Sometimes it snowed in Boston, sometimes it was sunny, sometimes it rained. Today, it poured. Madolyn decided it would be a good day to pack some things up for her move with Colin.

She never realized how much she had in her house until she needed to pack it. Clothes, pictures, shoes, books. Hell, she had enough books to open her own book store. She had almost stripped her house completely. Realizing she was doing anything to keep her mind off Billy, she allowed herself to stop and think.

She missed him, God, she missed him. She felt tears well in her eyes when she thought about how risky things were. With his job, she could very well never see him again. He could be injured - or killed - and she'd never get a chance to say goodbye.

She'd never get a chance to feel his soft lips on hers, or his smooth fingers grazing the skin of her body. She yearned for his lips, his touch. The way his icy blue eyes looked into hers made her fall to him, willingly submissive.

Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about him.

She couldn't.

After battling herself for weeks on end, she sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to work out how she was going to end things with Colin. She felt no spark for him anymore. The closest thing to a spark she'd felt in ages was when Billy's hand grazed the small of her back. She wished there was an easy way out.

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He hated his job. He really did. It was too risky, and he knew he was too smart for it. He wanted a safer job, with more stability. He knew he could be shot up at any time, seriously injured or killed. He thought that maybe, just maybe, if he found another job, he might have a chance with Madolyn.

He knew that being just friends was the best thing, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking about her. He wanted to run over to her and hug her. He thought to himself, I never did get a chance to hug her. What if I'm gone tomorrow? He thought long and hard about hugging her, his large, muscular arms around her thin and delicate frame. What the hell was he doing?

He had an anxiety attack shortly after. He didn't know what caused them. He'd been having them a lot lately, but they'd been slowly curbed with the Valium Madolyn prescribed him. His sleep patterns had been better, but they were nowhere near what they'd used to be. When he was younger, he could sleep for hours on end, but now, he was lucky if he'd slept a solid 30 minutes without waking up. He felt like he needed safety, and warmth. He was vulnerable and needy.

He lied down and tried his best to calm down. Tears began to pour out of his eyes when he started thinking about his own worth. He had convinced himself e was worthless and didn't deserve love nor affection. He wept at the realization he may never be loved. He was broken, torn, wounded. His mental state deteriorated rapidly and he felt as though he could confide in nobody, nobody except Madolyn.

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He searched for the paper she had written her address on, and found his way over. The rain poured on him, which he was thankful for, because it camouflaged his tears. He wore a baseball cap and a black jacket when he found her house. Her lights were on, and he prayed she was there.

He rung the doorbell and a sigh of relief overcame both him and Madolyn.

He commented on the weather, and her.

"You look beautiful." He said.

"Thank you.. you aren't too shabby yourself." She said, smiling.

----------

She noticed how he'd hung up the picture Colin was ashamed of. She then realized who she was with, and who she should be with. They were in the kitchen, having tea when the thunder roared.

"Are you scared of the thunder?" Madolyn asked Billy.

"No, why would you ask that?" He replied.

"You just look... very out of sorts today. Is something bothering you?" She said, sitting her tea mug down.

"It's just... well..." He stared at the ground, lost for words. "I know you're not my therapist and all, but can you still guarantee me confidentiality?"

"Of course. Anything you tell me will stay between us. Not because I have to this time, but because I want to." She told him.

"Okay." He took a deep breath. "I have... this fear."

"Of?" She asked.

"Not being good enough. Never being good enough for anyone. Not even myself." He said.

"Atelophobia." She said. "The fear of imperfection. I...I have that too."

"You do?" He looked up at her.

"I have... had it for a while, actually. I think a lot of people with anxiety have that fear. I just... I have a constant need to be reassured that people don't think I'm complete shit. I can look in the mirror and pick several flaws of myself." She said.

"I'm like that too. I just see so much wrong with myself.. nobody's ever really wanted me in their life." He said.

"I think it should be categorized as an illness, if we're being honest. It has both aspects of anxiety and depression, along with other parts." She said. "I know what you're going through, Billy."

"It sucks." He said. He felt tears in his eyes.

"Billy?" She said, almost whispering.

"Yeah?" He said.

"If it makes any difference... I want you in my life. I need you, actually." She said, looking at the floor.

"Madolyn... I want you in my life too. You're one of the only, if not the only person I can trust." He said, walking over to her.

They stood in silence for what seemed like eternity, nothing but the smell of tea and the sound of rain accompanying their existence.

She got a chance to really look at him when he stood close to her. His face was honestly one of the most beautiful she had seen. His frame was steady, he wasn't big but he did have muscle.

He studied her as well. He saw how her purple shirt perfectly fit around her small frame, how her hair was perfectly arranged and how it flattered her pretty face. She slumped over and he put his hands on the counter she was sitting on.

She looked deep into his eyes as he did hers; and without thinking he leaned in close to her face and paused inches before her lips.

He hovered for a second or two, before he closed the small space between them.

He pressed his lips to hers and kissed her.