Big Brother Barakat (Jalex)

Lullabies (Alex's POV)

Day 14 without Jack

Two weeks had come and gone, along with another letter. I've contemplated reading it, but I just threw it aside with the other letters from Jack. I still can't bring myself to read them; I know the pain would be too much. I sometimes feel like I'm blowing this way out of proportion, but Jack was the only person I've ever trusted in my whole life, and to have that missing now, it's hard. It's really hard.

I've tried to make ends meet by being a little more social with my housemates, but that's hard too. They all understand, although they try to push me farther than I'm comfortable with, so it feels like I wind up taking ten steps backwards, and every few days, one step forward. I want to give up most days, but I think of Jack and that keeps me going. Even if he doesn't know it, he made a big impact on my life, and I wouldn't want to trade that for anything. 

-

Instead of writing in a journal, I made my entries on the phone Jack gave me. I'd save them in the drafts, and one day, if I got the courage to, I'd send them to Jack. Maybe I'd send them to him after each letter he sent me, maybe I'd send them all together. I didn't even know, mainly because I didn't even know if I'd get the courage to send them to him. It was still a guessing game at this point, and I'm sure I've been keeping Jack waiting and guessing too, because I haven't sent him a letter or sent him a text. 

-

After I turned the phone off, I laid in my bed thinking about the letters again. I so desperately wanted to read them, but I felt like I would regret it if I did, because maybe I'd unleash a whole flood of new emotions I hadn't yet felt. The simple thought of feeling worse than I did terrified me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to feel that.

But, at the end of the day, I loved Jack, and I felt like I owed it to him to read the letters he sent me. Sure, my heart was still breaking, even though it's been two weeks since Jack left, but he's sending me these letters for a reason. I miss Jack, and maybe these letters will help me cope.

I jumped off my bed in a hurry and opened my dresser drawer. I picked up the three envelopes and sat back on my bed. I ripped the first one open and unfolded the letter. I took a deep breath in and began reading what Jack had written.

-

Dear Alex,

I'm so sorry I left you. I know you must be so hurt right now, and I'm sure you don't want anything to do with me. But, I'll be back soon. Alex, I graduate in just two months, and before you know it, I'll be back to see you. I wouldn't just leave you in the dust, you know that. I miss you so much. I miss helping you, I miss seeing you smile, and I miss making you happy. I really hope things are going well for you, and even if they're not, you know I'm only a call or text away. I gave you that phone for a reason, and I really hope you use it.

Things have been hard over here in Baltimore, too. I miss you every day, and some days, I feel like I'll never see you again, but then I stop and think and know that we'll find our way back to each other soon. Don't you worry, okay? My mom's already on board with going back to the UK to see you, but we're still trying to convince my dad. I'm trying my best, but he's as stubborn as you sometimes, Alex.

I've told my friends about you. They're happy I made such an impact on you, and they hope that they'll get to meet you someday. I hope you'll be up to it someday, because I think you'd really like them. Their names are Zack and Matt, and they're pretty much like me. They're into music, just like you and I. I really think you'd like them, Alex. I hope I can take you back to America someday so you can see everybody. 

Well, I should probably let you go. I hope you read this. And, if not, I hope you will someday. I hope you know that I love you and that I'll see you soon. Please know that you can get through anything you set your mind to, okay? Alex, you're one of the strongest people I've met, and please don't ever change that.