Lost Cause (Tyler Carter)

Chapter 37

It's been a few weeks and I've been going day by day. I've had a couple track meets, which I did awful at. I haven't talked to any Westlake people since the track meet that I told Derek that I am considering coming to their school.

Track was one of the very few things I had to focus on, right now. That and getting my life on the path it needs to be on.

I was working so hard to get back in shape and it was starting to pay off. I was running faster and easier.

Tomorrow I have a track meet at Westlake and it's my last one for the year.

At practice, I jogged a couple miles. Then, I did a 400 meter sprint. After the sprint, I sat down for a minute before jogging some more.

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Mom asked me to stop by the grocery store on my way home from track practice and get a few things.

After getting everything she asked, I made my way to the check out. The group of people in line in front of me was a family. Young parents and a little girl. Exactly the way I imagine my family would have looked. It made me feel sadness deep inside but also happiness because they seemed so happy. Dear God, the things I would give just to have my family.

Seeing things that remind me of Rachel really set me back on my path to forgetting. I hate to say that I'm trying to forget, but I am. It's all I have left to do. Making myself forget Rachel is so much easier than trying to make myself move on. Am I a coward for that?

I wasn't good enough for her in the first place. And Rachel . . . well, she's Rachel. She isn't the type of girl who would put herself through being with a guy like me. I hurt her so much and I truly hate myself for it. I lied to her. Had I not gone to Curtis' that one day, he would have never given me that stuff and this never would have happened. It's nobody's fault but mine that she's gone. And I can't forgive myself for that. Therefore, I have no other choice than to forget.

After I got home and put groceries away, I just lied in my bed. I stared at the ceiling and let my mind wander. I rarely just let myself think because I always think of the things I don't want to think about. Rachel, dad, Josh, Curtis, Parker, Kristi, Matty, my damn yearbook picture. Everyone will see it. People will wonder why my face is covered in bruises and the wrong person will say something. Not everyone will believe 'my brother and I were wrestling'. And not everyone will accept 'I deserved it'. Because, quite frankly, I did not.

I didn't deserve for my mom to kick me out. I didn't deserve to be beat. I didn't deserve to be sent over to Curtis' all the time. I didn't deserve to be forced into drug dealing. And I definitely did not deserve to have the thing I loved the most ripped away from me.

After realizing that I didn't deserve those things and that not everything is my fault, I felt almost free. But I'm not free. Not yet.

And then it came to me: If I want to have anything of a quality life, I simply have to forgive myself. Yes, Rachel left because we got into a fight due to me lying. But I did not cause her to get into a car accident. The only person to blame is the guy who was drunk driving.

The fight was my fault, not the accident. In order to forgive myself, I need to say that every time I feel at fault for her death.

It's not a lie when someone says it takes forgiving others in order to forgive yourself. I forgive my mom. I forgive her because I know she loves me. She was hurting and she didn't know who or what to believe. It makes sense that she didn't want to believe me.

Forgiving my mom was only the start. I had to find a way to forgive my dad and my brother. My brother was using me because he was too scared to face things himself. He wasn't trying to get me hurt or killed. He wants me safe. That's why he freaked out that day he saw my bruises. And when he followed me to Curtis' when he knew I was in trouble. I'll be able to forgive him for what he did.

My dad, though . . . I don't know how I'm going to do it. And honestly, should I even try?

Maybe what my dad did to me is something I'm going have to simply live with. Something I'm going to have to embrace. How can I ever look my father in the face and tell him I forgive him for beating me and my mom. For lying to us. For leaving the second things didn't go as he had planned. For taking the life he had for granted because maybe money was tight and maybe my brother was a lot to handle, but he had it pretty well. A wife who loved him. A son who looked up to him. A house over his and his family's heads. Friends who have been with him since high school.

He had a life that I and so many other men would dream of having. I would have made Rachel my wife. I would have loved her and that child more than anything in the world. I would have put them and their well-being before mine or anyone else's. I never would have taken them for granted or done anything to hurt them.

But now, I have to live with the fact that that's gone. And it hurts. But, I can do it. I can move forward. Rachel will be with me for the rest of my life, and that's not going to stop me from living.