The Girl With Blue Hair {A Novel}

Chapter Four

Blu's POV:

I didn't know what else to do. Everyone had gone to bed, but it was only 8pm. The only thing I knew could get me thinking, no- feeling, again, would be a run. So, in a trance, I pulled on black gym shorts and a black hoodie. Luckily I had kept my phone all day, even now, avoiding detection. I slipped into my Champions, and inserted my earbuds into my small ears. I opened my window, but remained perched on the sill. Turning my music on to shuffle, I almost fall off as 'I love you I hate you' by gnash starts playing. I couldn't help it. The song got to me- it made me think of what happened between Ash and I. I shook my head, trying to knock him out of my head.

I jumped off my windowsill.

I landed hard, even though it was only one story. I slid my window shut behind me, then took off.

I didn't know where else to go, so I ran to the park, the tree, the bench... Him. At least, the memory of him.

I love you,

I hate you,

I hate that,

I love you.

I kept going. I would not break down before I got there. I told myself over and over, hoping that it would be true.

Do you miss me like I miss you?

It was like a punch to my gut, knowing the next four verses, remembering how I pictured Ash saying it back in eighth grade. I quietly sang along in a strangled voice.

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit

I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit

I type a text but then I nevermind that shit

I got these feelings but you never mind that shit//

Oh oh, keep it on the low

You're still in love with me

But your friends don't know

If you wanted me you would just say so

And if I were you, I would never let me go//

I don't mean no harm

I just miss you on my arm

Wedding bells were just alarms

Caution tape around my heart//

You ever wonder what we coulda been?

You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix

Now all my drinks and all

My feelings are all fucking mixed//

Slowly, I clicked the button that would put this song on repeat, trapping myself on my own misery.

-/\-/\-/\-

As soon as I sat on my bench- our bench- the memories flooded back. I had blocked them out earlier, but now I was embracing them, letting the numbness ebb away.

You weren't supposed to like pain, weren't supposed to prefer pain to another feeling, another sensation. But pain meant I wasn't hurting anyone else, it meant I didn't have to have all my fake happy smiles, fake friendly hellos. Pain let me feel.