Talk Me Down

//April 16, 2016//

April 16, 2016

I sit on the floor leaning against my bed with tear stained cheeks. Everyone believes me when I say I'm okay. My smile is so believable. But it's two A.M. and I'm sitting in my bedroom alone. I'm thinking of ways to kill myself. I'm thinking of all the reasons why I hate myself. While you sleep, because I told you I'm okay. I told you it's okay that you called me a fag, or a piece of shit, even a worthless pig. Why don't you understand how much your words are hurting me?

You used to mean the fucking world to me! And you still do. I miss you. I miss you a lot right now as I blast my music so loud I can't feel a fucking thing. I don't miss the way you left me, or the way you randomly stopped talking to me. When you do, I go cry in a stall afterwards. I miss when you would tell me nice things to brighten my day. When you'd send me heart emojis because even though everyone used them, they felt different coming from you.

I miss your cute nicknames like gorgeous, your sunshine, babe, my love, kitty, baby boy, and my personal favorite...cutie booty. I never called anyone babe before you. And after you, I still don't, but you call people what you used to call me. That fucking hurts a lot. I need you to call me cute and be my best friend again. I need you to need me again. I need you to talk to me again.

More tears stream down my cheeks at my thoughts. Why do I think this? Why do I do this to myself?

I mean, I'm only hurting myself. But why would you do this to me? Why would you hurt me this bad? You said you cared about me! If you cared about me you wouldn't have done this.

But why would you want a dumb guy like me? I mean, I have freakish colored hair, my eyes are a blueish green, my smile is ugly, my skin is pale, I don't have abs, I have short ass legs, and I have no ass. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.

I smile for no reason. Then I chuckle. Then I laugh at myself. I laugh so loud I think I woke my nana.

I had my heart broken by a guy,
I never even dated.

And that's you.

-M.C
•••

Just in case you're confused,

Italic means M.C (Michael Clifford) is writing in his journal. Which will be most of the story.

Plain upright letters are his actions. What he's currently doing, what he's thinking. Whatever he isn't writing.

Italic Bold is just cuz. Like, if it's kind of has a big meaning I'll make the lettering stand out.

And italic underline is a flash back which will be used in some parts of the story.

I hope I cleared up some confusion, but if you have any questions feel free to ask :D