Talk Me Down

//April 19, 2016//

April 19, 2016

I need you. I had the dream about my parents again.

The one where I'm in my room crying in the corner covering my ears trying to block out my parents' arguing.

I sniffle and wipe away a tear as I write. Why did my parents' leave me? My dad's probably getting drunk at bars and fucking hookers, while my mom is in a small apartment stressing over bills and money.

I remember their words as if it happened yesterday. "You mean nothing to me anymore!" That one hurt me the most, but not as much as it hurt my mom. "What about Michael?" "I can live without him." I'm pretty sure that one hurt me more.

You knew I have these dreams, and whenever I have the dream you'd whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

But now that you aren't here I'm crying myself to sleep again.

•••

You talked to me. I was a little upset at what you told me, but glad that we talked again.

I sat at my usual seat. Class hasn't yet started, so you saw your chance to talk to me.

"He's only using you, Michael." You said in a serious tone. "Who?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Calum. He doesn't actually like you. It's a bet, Mike. His friend, Matt, betted him that he can get a gay guy to fall for him in two months. Calum betted one month-"

"You're lying!" I accuse him. He can't leave me for a girl and then tell me that they boy I like is only using me! But is what he's saying true?

"Am I?" Luke asks sitting next to me. "I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. I heard him talking at Starbucks. And I only know what he looks like because of when he picked you up after school."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "Fuçk you, Luke. You leave me for a fucking girl, and when I finally try to move on you come and tell me he's betting on me. Calum wouldn't do that to me Luke!"

The bell rings and Luke goes to his original seat.

For the rest of class, I thought about it. Would Calum bet on me?

•••

I met up with Calum after school at Chick-Fil-A. I told him what you said and he denied it. He looked me in the eye and told me, "I'd never bet on you, Michael. You mean everything to me."

I smiled and he kissed me. His kisses feel different that yours. I feel happier when he kisses me. I feel safer in his arms.

That's when he asked me to be his boyfriend. I said yes, obviously.

I've never been happier. Actually, scratch that...I was the happiest man alive when we spent that day together. The day before.

After our date, Calum took me to his house. We watched a movie marathon and ate pizza and played FIFA. We talked and I met his parents. It was so soon, but it was fun.

I never met your parents, and I should've thought that was kind of strange considering we were best friends. We used to play FIFA in your room and also watch movie marathons together while eating some Chick-Fil-A.

I remember that your favorite movie is Mean Girls. Mine is Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, it's kind of a geeky move, but I like it. 'Cause I'm a geek.

I honestly see you as Regina George, Ashton as Gretchen Weiners, and Niall as Karen Smith. Literally everybody in the school knows who you three are. Girls wanna fuck you and guys wanna be you. You play with the girls and make the guys think you actually want to be friends.

Like all girls, I thought I was different. I thought 'hey, maybe he actually likes me. Maybe even loves me?' But just like all the girls who think that...I was also wrong. I'm just an average guy who got played by the play boy.

~M.C.