Hail

Seven

I carefully make my way across the small field to the abbey that houses my mother's grave. It is a short walk and one that I have made many times since her passing. I know that I should probably be in my rooms with my ladies preparing for the soon arrival of my future husband, but I cannot shake this feeling of foreboding mixed with sadness. I have spent most of the morning thinking about my confrontation with Valeous. I know I should be grateful that it was he that saw us and not Ronan or my father, but still his words circle in my mind and refuse to give me rest. 

I have never doubted Jakob's love for me. I have never doubted his sincerity or devotion. I still believe that he loves me, but I cannot completely dismiss some of the questions Valeous raised. Perhaps I was too caught up in my own love to wonder, but why would Jakob take such risks? He knew that if we were caught there was little if anything that I would be able to do to help him. I could beg my father for mercy for his sake, but he would still lose his position and standing at the court, and depending on my father's rage it could cost him far more than that. I think of those risks and I know that he has to love me. Only love would motivate the willingness to take that kind of risk. Valeous reminded me; however, that there was also the chance of a great reward. Jakob has never pressured me or pushed my limits, but I know that over time my resistance had weakened and with time there is a chance that it would have been completely destroyed. If there would have been a child everything would have changed. The marriage that my father had arranged would have been destroyed along with my reputation and station at court. I would have been permitted to stay as the king's daughter, but I would have become a shameful secret. The only bright spot would be that Jakob would have been permitted to marry me, but our lives would have be shadowed by the rejection of our families and it is possible that my father would have chosen to take away Jakob's title and land leaving us prisoners in the castle.

I clear my thoughts as I walk into the cool abbey. I pause and let my eyes adjust to the dimness inside. I walk quietly across the cool, stone floor, trying to silence the echo of my shoes as I make my way closer to where my mother is buried. There is something about the abbey that makes noise seem intrusive, that gives it a harsher tone. It is a silence that I find a bit calming. When my mother first died, I came here often. I was trying to recapture the feeling that she was near me, but it was elusive. My visits have been less frequent in the past couple of years as the comfort I once felt by being close to her body is no longer there. Now I mostly feel hollow when I talk to her, as if a void opens in my chest when I am this close to her and yet still cannot hear her.

Today, however, I do not know where else to go. I feel as if I am standing on the precipice of the future and all I can think is how much I wish my mother was here. My mother with her kind words and sage advice. My mother who would know exactly how to ease my fears about all of the changes and expectations that will arise with the arrival of our newest guest. I pause as I reach her grave and lower myself to the floor. There is a statute of her that sits in the corner, but I always sit on the floor, turned away from the sculpture. To look up into the stone face of my mother feels mocking, as though she is so close and yet I still cannot touch her.

When I speak, it is in a whisper. "My betrothed arrives today, mother. Father has chosen my future spouse. I knew that it would happen one day, but I cannot help but feel like I want more time first. I know that I am of age and that there are many who marry younger than me, but it does not lessen this feeling of entrapment. What if we have nothing in common? Everyone keeps telling me that he is kind and pleasant, but is that enough to form a marriage? Am I wrong to want to be loved by my fiancée and to love him back in return before we are wed? I know that I am blessed and that I have more than most could ever wish to ask for, but is it too much to ask for this one more thing?"