Hail

Twenty-seven

I sit upon the stone bench on my balcony and watch as the sky starts to lighten and the night begins to recede. I pull the shawl tighter around my shoulders to help bring me some warmth and chase away the cold edges of the night. The first tinges of sunlight reach over the horizon and bring a break to the blanket of darkness. I have been here all through the night. Lila and Cora were both waiting for me when I finally returned to my chambers. They were looking for any way they could help me, the sadness and compassion clear in their faces, but I sent them away. I did not wish to hear sympathies and though I know they did not intend any harm, I wished to be alone. There was nothing they could do to ease any of this grief. I gave word to the guards outside of my door that no one was to bother me. I could hear when they turned Broderick away. I could hear his protesting and the moment he finally relented. I feel I hurt his feelings, but I could not bear even his presence. I have a tenuous grip on my emotions, and I feel that this grip is all that keep me from collapsing into a mournful, weeping heap or flinging into a murderous rage. I knew that if I let Broderick in I would fall into his arms and this grip would be lost, and I am not certain that I would ever have it again. There are too many watching me, too many who are going to be looking to me today for me to give in.

It is the same reason that I did not sleep. To sleep would give my mind permission to fill with memories and images of father and Valeous. To sleep would give me hours away from reality where I could believe that the life I had two days ago was the life I still had today. Sleep would keep the grief at bay, only for it would return to wash me away.

The funerals are today. I sent the orders last night after I left Tomas for father's body to be prepared to bury today with Valeous'. I could have waited. I could have had father's funeral tomorrow or even the day after, but it felt fitting for them to be buried on the same day. When I made the choice, I expected some to question, but no one did and I was reminded that I am now queen. My word is unquestionable. My word is law.

I hear the knock on the door and I want to shout for them to go away. I hear the door open and the steps as they approach the balcony. The slight anger dissipates; it is Elisa. I know from the sound of her steps. I turn to face my sister as she steps out onto the stone. She looks older today. She does not appear like the young girl who was smiling about a boy days ago. Today she looks almost of age. She is already dressed for the funerals. The black of her gown emphasizes the paleness of her skin. The black lace veil covers her hair. She is tired. An exhaustion hangs around her shoulders like the black cape that is clasped at her throat.

I look to her eyes expecting to see sadness, yet something looking more like annoyance fills them. "Your guards have done a wonderful job or making sure that no one is able to get close to you. I came in the middle of the night, but they insisted you were resting. I can tell from looking at you that they were lying. You have not slept at all."

"I wished for time alone to," I do not know how to finish this thought.

"To try to figure out what life is now? Now that we are orphans and you are queen and we are all that is left of our family? Did you not think I could help with that? Did you not think that perhaps if we were together it would ease some of our grief?" I am taken aback by the tinge of anger that I hear in her voice.

I look to my little sister's face and I find the grief pushed aside to make space for the guilt that washes over me. I was so lost in my own grief last night, I forgot about hers. I promised Valeous that I would take care of her and I have failed at that already. I must do better by her. I will not let the little family that remains fall by the wayside. I pat the empty space on the bench and she comes to sit beside me. "Elisa, I am sorry."

"Reyalyn, we are all that is left. I cannot feel that I have lost you too. I cannot feel that I am alone, it would be too much to bear." She reaches for my hand, the rough texture of her black gloves different from the usual feel of her soft skin.