Hail

Eleven

I sit outside, enjoying the warmth of the morning sun as it stretches its fingers over the trees. It is quiet outside and by staying easily within sight I have managed to even earn space from Ronan. I lean my head back letting the warm rays fall onto my skin, it is like being held in a gentle embrace. It helps calm me after a restless night's sleep, where I was tormented by father's waning and the formality in Jakob's tone as he left me last night. It was not the last memory I wanted to have with Jakob. I wanted to keep the one from the night before, when we were together in our chapel. I wanted the last memory to be of his kiss and his promise, not of me pushing him away. I turn my attention to the water of the lake that lies in front of me and find solace from watching the sun's reflection on the surface. This was one of my favorite places to play as a child, though it often made my mother nervous that I would fall into the lake and drown. The small bench on which I sit is slowly warming to the touch as I try not to fidget and show my nervousness as the minutes move by in their slow march. I have sent Lila to ask Broderick to join me. I could have gone and asked him myself, but after sobbing onto his shoulder last night, I did not wish to face him with others around. 

He held me while I cried. Most men do not wish to spend their time with women when they are upset, I have heard stories from many women who spend their lives hiding their emotions from their husbands. Broderick, however, did not flee at the sight of my tears. His arms providing a safe space in which to let myself give into all of the pain that I was feeling without worry of interruption or judgement of others. I don't know how long I cried, but when the tears finally subsided I was exhausted and embarrassed and my head ached. Broderick did not question me. He did not try to pry to find the reason for my tears. He simply walked with me back to my chambers, made sure that I was safely inside and wished me goodnight.

This morning I was struck by the worry that Broderick might think he was the cause of my tears. He might think that he has done something that would cause me such pain. I need to explain to him what happened. I do not want him to think that I have any ill feelings toward him, especially when he has shown me nothing but thoughtfulness.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him approach from the castle and I turn to face him, a slight smile on my face. His expression is unsure as he nears and I want to try to ease any worries he may have. He stops by the edge of the bench, his hands clasped together in front of him formality in his stance. "Your lady said that you wanted me to join you."

I move over on the bench to make sure that there is space for him. "Yes, I was hoping we could talk."

I can see the confusion that lingers on his face as he lowers himself beside me. "I felt we should talk about last night. I am so embarrassed that I cried all over you like that. I assure you that it was nothing you did, and I wanted to explain to remove any questions or doubts you may have."

I take a breath trying to decide where to start and he reaches for my hand, "There is no need. You tell me the tears were not caused by me."

"There weren't."

"Then the reason is your secret to keep if you wish." I am surprised and I know that surprise shows on my face. "My mother has always insisted that a woman's tears are her own and the reasons are hers to keep if she chooses. You do not have to tell me what caused yours. I had worried that there was something I had done that caused them, but we have an agreement of honesty and if you say that it was not me, then I believe you. I will listen if you want to share, but I will not press you to tell me more."

I am overwhelmed by his sincere understanding. "Thank you." I decide in that moment that I do not want to tell him. There is no good that could come from it. It would hurt me to hear him speak of his heartbreak over another, and I have no desire to cause him pain. "Thank you for your kindness last night. I know you were enjoying the party and I am sorry for ruining that for you."