Trace

Chapter 45

NIALL'S POV

The second my lips make contact with her full ones, a heat rushes through my chest and my heart pumps in a foreign beat. 

  I feel tears build up behind my closed lids as Cae reaches up to hold my face as we kiss. I have never felt anything more perfect. 

   Cae grabs a hold of my shoulders and pulls them in to her indicating me to move on top of her. She opens up her legs and I fit my body in between them in one quick motion. 

  I don't dare break the kiss, and when Cae moans 'Niall' as she tugs on my hair, I silence her with my mouth. I don't want to waste a second of this without her lips on mine. If I could choose one place to spend eternity, it would be right here with her. 

  All too soon, I feel her small hands get in the way between us as she plants them firmly on my chest. I reluctantly pull back, my breathing heavy.

   "What are we doing," she mutters. 

I scoot back and away from her body. I sit and wait for the regret and guilt to take over me, but I feel nothing. I suddenly wonder if my conscience has left me entirely because of the selfish act I just commited. 

   When I look at Cae's pink cheeks and heaving chest, I know I am wrong. There is no need for me to feel guilt or regret. . .those last few moments we just made were of absolute bliss. 

  "Niall, I..Harry..." she covers her face with her hands and I watch her helplessly as she begins to cry.

  Should I comfort her right now when I feel like I have done nothing wrong?

"I don't know what came over me, I should have never kissed you back or. . ." Cae chokes. 

   A pang of hurt hits me as I watch Cae internally conflict with herself. 

    "Come here," I murmur with outstretched arms. 

She looks at me for a second as if she's debating whether or not to come into my arms. Finally, she crawls over to me and cuddles herself in my chest. 

   "That shouldn't have happened, Niall," she hoarsely whispers.

I feel her body shake with her tears and water streams down my face easily with a new feeling of heartbreak. 

  She wishes that had never happened. 

I tightly wrap my arms around her and rock us back in forth as she quietly sobs into my chest. My mind swarms with hellish thoughts; I squeeze them closed in attempt to reduce the unbearable pain deep within me. I have been waiting for forever for the moment Cae and I both shared, and now here she is, hating herself for it. 

   She will never love you, Niall.

Of course she doesn't. Why would she? A frightening anger begins to rise inside of my body, and I am filled with all hate. Hate for my fucking self and for fucking Harry. 

  You won't ever be good enough. 

No matter how hard I try, it will be impossible to get Cae to feel the same way I do about her. I clench my fists together and curse the tears that now flow steadily out of my eyes. 

   You won't ever be able to move on. 

I will the infernal truths to vanish from my head, but the pounding and stabbing won't cease. How do I expect myself to move on from Cae? I'm in too fucking deep. I don't and can't love another, and I have no desire to. My complete desire is only for her.