Addicted To Your Fix

1 - Hindsight

I'm a fucking idiot on so many levels. I've come to know this well over the past few years.

You see, I had the world in the palm of my hand, and I let it slip right through my fingers... more than once.

My music career was successful (thank God I never managed to screw that up). And the few true friends I had were great. But the thing I wanted most in life, I couldn't seem to hold onto.

I totally deserved to lose Aubree the first time. By the time I'd realized my mistakes, she was already gone. And I probably didn't deserve it when, after several months of torture without her, she gave me another chance. I finally had the opportunity to show her I'd changed. But just as quickly as the chance was given to me, it was snatched away when Brandi told me that she was pregnant. She was none too happy when she delivered the unexpected news upon my return home from an amazing 24 hours with the woman I loved.

I know that's 50 shades of fucked up, going home to your pregnant girlfriend when you've just spent a whole day making love with the only person you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. My plan was to confess it all to Brandi and end our relationship as soon as I walked in the door. But before I got the chance to, she blew me away with the pregnancy news. She was distraught for days, and I felt that it was my duty to comfort her, to let her know everything was going to be okay. I was forced to reevaluate my situation and make the most difficult decision of my life, doing what was best for my unborn child.

My child. Once I thought about it like that, I knew I had to sacrifice my own happiness for his or hers. I grew up in a broken home and it was the hardest shit I've ever had to deal with, aside from my situation with Aubree. I didn't want my kid to know the struggle of being raised in a single parent home.

Ironically, that's one of the things I always admired most about Aubree. She was the perfect mother, and she did everything 100% on her own. I thought if I could be half the amazing parent she was, I'd be doing good. So how would I be there for my kid as much as possible if Brandi and I were shuffling him back and forth when I wasn't touring? My only option was to stay with Brandi and make it work.

Once upon a time, I was in love with Brandi. In the beginning it was great. There's nothing like the feeling of falling in love. At the time, you think it's going to last forever. And for some people, it does. But not for us. Things happened, mostly my fault, and the aftermath took a toll on us. I cared about her, but it was never the same as those first few months together.

Brandi was pretty much the exact opposite of Aubree. She wasn't the most mature person in the world, and she turned out to be the most selfish person I've ever known. I wish I'd never gone back to her after Aubree and I split up. But I was trying so hard to get over Aubree, and stupidly thought it would help if I were with someone else. It didn't. I never said I was a smart person.

When Brandi asked me about getting back with her, I told her right away that I was still in love with Aubree, but I'd give it a shot. Honestly, I had no desire to be in a relationship so soon after Aubree left me. But why the fuck not try and see if it would get my mind off of her? I guess I used Brandi in that sense. But she was aware of it and apparently didn't care.

Aubree later admitted to me that it made her feel inadequate when I went back to Brandi so quickly. That wasn't my intention at all. And I would have explained that to her, if I'd known she would have been okay with me contacting her. But I was trying my best to not only get over her, but also to prove, too late I might add, that I could respect her wishes and not harass her constantly.

That's why I only let her know on special occasions, when it was appropriate, that she and the kids still meant a lot to me. When she sent me a text on Molly's birthday to thank me for the gift I'd sent, it was so tempting to respond. But there was really nothing left to say since I already sent a note wishing Molly happy birthday and told them how much I missed them. I reckoned if she wanted to say more than "thank you" she would have said it.