Addicted To Your Fix

3 - Too Late

The timing couldn't have been any worse. We had just checked into the hotel after finishing the third show of the tour. In a matter of seconds, I went from being on a natural high to having my heart ripped straight from my chest and stomped on till there was nothing left. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to hit something.

But then, in the midst of it all, I felt something else for a split second: Relief. It was a horrible thought, and I felt guilty about it right away. What kind of person was I? Someone who didn't deserve to be a father, that's who. That's probably why the opportunity had been taken from me. I'd officially lost the last thing in the world that gave me hope.

I'd grown so used to the idea of being responsible for a sweet tiny baby in a few months that I was beginning to look forward to it. But I'd never get the opportunity to meet him because he was gone.

Brandi didn't even tell me. She had Chrissie, her friend and Michael's girlfriend, do it. She said that Brandi asked her to call me because she was too upset. She also used the excuse that she'd taken some sleeping pills that the doctor gave her, so she wasn't up to talking. Somehow I wasn't so sure about the "too upset" part, which was heartless of me to think. But I couldn't help it, that's how I imagined she felt.

The story was that Brandi had gone for that ultrasound, and the doctor discovered that there was no heartbeat. She was given the option of going home and waiting it out, possibly for several days, until she miscarried naturally - which sounded terribly cruel to me - or be taken on to surgery for something called a D&C, where they remove the non-viable pregnancy surgically. She chose the surgery, which is what I would have chosen. But I wouldn't have waited all day to tell my significant other about it.

Chrissie said that Brandi didn't want to upset me before the show, so she made her wait until it was over. I did what any decent man would do and offered to fly home. But Chrissie said Brandi already told her that she didn't want me to do that, because there was nothing I could do. I had shows to perform and fans to please, and nothing was going to change, no matter where I was. I guess she was right.

I don't know how long I sat there without moving. My mind was racing, yet blank at the same time. I wasn't sure how I felt. I was sad, naturally. But there was more. My life had been changed because of a baby - a baby that would never be born now. Maybe I was an asshole to think about it at the time, but to be honest, I knew right then that I was going to leave Brandi. I no longer had anything to tie me to her. But I wasn't going to do anything about it for a while. Despite everything, she was my friend, most of the time, and if she needed me, I'd be there.

I'm not sure what the most appropriate word for it would be, but when I watched Chrissie's Snapchat story two days later, I was livid. There they were, the two of them hanging out side stage at some concert. I couldn't even tell whose show it was. But Chrissie was doing her usual "look at me trying and failing to look sexy" routine with her hair half covering her face, and she turned the camera for a second to show Brandi dancing and sipping a drink. (Sorry, I never cared much for Chrissie, just like I never cared for Luke's bitch, Allegra. At least Allegra was finally out of the picture by then, though.)

"Fuck it," I said out loud to myself. "I'm not gonna sit around on my ass while she - the one who lost the baby - is out partying."

"What's that?" Luke asked as he walked past me.

We had all ended up in Calum's room, and the decision was made to go out. Except I decided that I'd stay in. I didn't feel much like socializing, and they understood. Michael offered to stay with me, and I turned down his offer. But I had reconsidered after watching that video of a carefree Brandi.

I told Luke, "I'm going with you."

"You sure?" he asked, looking surprised.

I gave a haughty laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure."