She Dreamed of Paradise ❈ Suspian

Habits (Stay High)

"Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you."

- Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo.

It didn't take long for Susan to truly miss Narnia and within weeks of coming back to England, she started to show signs of it and she started to spiral downward into a dark place. She spent more time with her friends (mostly Amy); drinking, smoking and getting into trouble – trying anything and everything to distract her from the thoughts of Narnia and Caspian. Her social media pages were filled with pictures of her parties and her getting drunk with her friends.

To everyone else, Susan was the happiest person they knew – always laughing and up for a party. But in reality, Susan had never felt unhappier. Whenever she was alone, she'd cry into a bottle of champagne she'd finish all by herself. She'd drink until she couldn't walk or even remember her name – all to forget Narnia and Caspian.

Relationships never seemed to last, people would always say it was because Susan wore her heart on her cheek rather than the old Susan would wear it on her sleeve. All her friends noticed the dramatic change in her but never questioned it and even when they did try to question it, she wouldn't even answer the question and moved onto something else to avoid it.

Susan's family noticed her change, too. The nice and quiet Susan was gone and Susan and now turned into a cold and narcissistic woman; something that Susan herself hated but she needed to be that person in order to forget Narnia. Who she was and who she needed to be were two very different people, but she didn't let anyone know that – not even her new best friend Amy. Why would she? Amy would just think Susan was on some kind of new drug if she told her about Narnia and Caspian.

Sitting on her bedroom floor, Susan was applying her make-up for another night out with Amy – something that happened far more often than she'd want to admit. She had a half empty bottle of champagne next to her and took occasional sips from it every once in a while. In all honesty, Susan hated the taste of alcohol but she forced herself to love it simply because it provided an escape from her reality. It was complicated, and that was putting it simply.

Looking at herself in her mirror once all her make-up was on, she almost cried at how much she had changed in such a short space of time. And she wished desperately she could go back to being how she used to be, but she couldn't find that girl anywhere – even if she searched within the darkest corners of her heart, there wouldn't be anyone there.

It was funny, one of her friends would call her Marilyn Monroe and she'd pretend not to care or notice but believe me, she noticed every single time and so she'd consider herself like Marilyn – only the factor of pretending to be someone she wasn't for the sake of things rather than die at a young age and be always miserable, that was never Susan's intention.

Shoving back any and all negative thoughts, Susan picked herself up off the floor and grabbed her purse that only held her phone, a lighter and a half empty cigarette packet. She placed the bottle top back onto the bottle of champagne and placed it under her bed before leaving the room, turning the lights off as she went and closing the door behind her before she made her way downstairs and outside to wait for Amy to pick her up and take her to wherever the next party was.