2 Loves; s.w&d.l (BWWM)

4. pills and treble clefs

After Sam's confrontation, I went home. My head was knocking, wanting a release from all this information hurting it. I have many missed call from the two of them. All I wanted was a day to relax as my situation is too much. I never wanted trouble. Not at all! It just chose to find me (a/n: if you know where that comes from, you are my kind of person. If you don't, cool) But with having two men love me so makes me feel like I'm playing them. I don't want to hurt either's feelings. I don't want to hurt mine. I love them both deeply and nothing is going to cha-
RING! RING!
My phone went off. I reluctantly picked up my phone, thinking I was going to read either Sam or Derek's name on my phone screen. I was surprised to see my friend, Lilian. She was always my voice of clarity and wisdom in a sticky situation. Once in freshman year in high school, I got bullied because I didn't have straight hair like more of the other girls. She told me to suck it up and not let them affect me. It pushed me harder in my studies and furthered my musical passion. I caused me to be the type of artist I am today and the tolerance and patience I have with the world. She's taught me that you don't need to whine to be heard. Silence is key. "Anyone can talk but to be silent is a skill," that's her motto. I answered enthusiastically.
"Heya!" She said. I could hear her smile through the phone. She was such a ray of positivity.
"Hello," the pain was still evident in my voice.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything!"
"Wait, don't do anything silly! I'm coming over soon," and with that she hung up. She left me there in my thoughts about Derek and Sam. I dwell on all the times Derek and I hung out, how close we were and how happy he made me when we were friends. Now feelings have gotten in the way and I feel awkward about him. I contemplate whether the signs were always there. Tears race down my cheeks as I hugged my knees. I didn't mean to create so much pain for both of them. I sobbed my soul out as I waited for myself to feel better. Hopefully a distraction comes soon.

Later that day, Lilian and the other girls came over. I just needed to get my mind off of the boys. Before the night began, Lilian pulled me aside and asked why I was so down. I told her my situation and she said to go with my mind, because my heart's confused and my heart will tell me whether the decision is right or not. I just want to be wasted. Forget this. This is all too much pain for me. I pull out all the alcohol I had in my shelf and drank. As the music played, I sway and shimmy my hips all the way through the night.

4: 38am

The intoxication was real. All four of us was hammered out of our minds and someone told me it was a good idea to call Derek and tell him I'm in a bad situation and it was an emergency. The worry sieved through his voice made my drunken self chuckle. When he finally got to the door, the disappointment was laced through his face. I hurt him and I made him feel like a coward. "Deerrek, I lawwve you too." He shook his head, knowing that this was the liquor talking and he had wasted his time.

In the morning, my head pounded. A feeling of unknown guilt ran over me and it wasn't nice. It ripped me apart how clueless I could be towards Derek. How preposterous my behaviour was for no real reason. I struggled to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and an aspirin to ease the ache. I try calling Derek.
He won't answer.
I had to go studio today to finish off the song with Derek. When I get there, he doesn't talk to me - unless needed. No hug. No nicknames. I must of fucked up. Shit. What have I done?