Generalisation Of A Life

September 2013

7th

What a day. So much inspiration and so much to take in. It scares me how I truly have matured and have changed so internally that I cannot even begin to explain how I feel. I feel everything, all at once. It makes me feel like I feel nothing. A man came up to me and my father in the middle of the shopping centre and he randomly said,

"Do I have anything in my hand?" Whilst holding up his hand. We were like 'What the flip is this guy on?'

I knew instantly; he was going to pull a magic trick on us and try to fool us. I said,

"Air. There's air in your hand." He didn't understand so I said it a few times. Dad was convinced there was nothing in his hand. He then slips out a coin and says its a ten cent piece and then says "So you said air, right?" He ran off basically after that. Later on, when we had finalized our purchases, I saw him at the check out, and I smiled over at him and then looked away. The Magic Man I had named him.

Me and my dad had a real deep conversation, maybe not that deep, but a real, awesome conversation that started off about the future and life right now and school, which led to talking about God and how people really think Christians are stereotyped as 'perfect' and how there are so many points of views taken from the Bible, creating so many different churches that have all originated from one thing; The Bible. I don't know, its just, I look at science as something incredible and it explains so much about how things are created and the physical form of things, etc. Its so awesome. But I still feel that no matter where I am positioned when talking about sciency things, I cant help but think that theres something missing. I think about how there cant really not be a God out there. It doesn't make sense to me otherwise. Like we have a body, yes, we live in it, but how? How are we living in it? We must have a spirit. Just like how we never feel older in the inside, but only on the outside. That makes sense right? I guess I am just afraid in a way; im afraid that I put all my faith in God and when I die He wont be there to catch me. I want to be caught by God, oh so badly. I don't even care what other people think; in a non-cocky way. What I mean is that, I value others, their opinions, what they have to say and everything, but I don't care that they will not like me because I believe in God. I will never ever mock someone or judge someone because they have different beliefs and choose things differently, because it is their life and their willing to be that way. I feel afraid and upset and scared for them sometimes because they see things so totally differently that im scared that they will fall so far down that they will never be able to get up. Right now I just feel like I could write and write and write.

When you think about it, EVERYONE grows up knowing of God and Jesus, even if they believe in Him or not. They all know of it; it is just their life that leads to whether or not that it will become a focus. I see God as a positive choice. I feel personally its the only way for me. I am afraid to not believe in God because He is so flippin awesome I don't see how He cannot. I am afraid in a good way, the way it should be like. It says in the Bible about being afraid. There are some people who are just completely oblivious and avoid this...way of life. There are Bibles in prison, hotels, private schools, everywhere you go except public schools and many public places. I have no idea what I mean by this but I think it does mean something. I don't think talking about God in a public school should be uncomfortable and awkward, I think it deserves to exist in all schools. Obviously not forcefully, but an option, something open to for everyone to learn about. I remember at my old, private Christian school and people were so bored of the Bible. They used it as punishment when people got detention. I don't think they should have used it like that because then it would be looked upon as punishment by students, when it isn't. Its full of great life advice, awesome stories and it is a great guide through EVERY aspect in life. The title 'The Bible' seems to put people off so much. They think its just pages full of ridiculousness. Just like the stories we write down now, they will be remembered and recounted in the future. Im sorry, this seems like I am having an argument with myself. Im not, so don't worry. I just love everyone so much, that I worry for them and the choices they make. I want them to make the awesome, right ones :D Its 11:01pm.

17th

A part of my dream, like literally one sentence that I heard just before I woke up was a friend, named Nonie say "Yes, i would like some honey chicken." How crazy and stupid and lame is that. It made me laugh at my own dream. I didn't actually laugh but i laughed on the inside.

Had the interschool carnival today. I literally just played it cool and loosened myself up, being all chill and hella casual. I was dancing around and being weird before events. Somehow, out of all things, i came 2nd in the 100m sprint, 2nd in long jump, 3rd in the 200m, 3rd in 1500m, 3rd in triple jump and 2nd in the relay with my team. I decided i wouldn't take it seriously in any way at all because i guess i don't particularly like being that way. I waved to my dad during the 100m sprint, he has a video to prove it. My dizzy spells are coming on more frequently, nearly once everyday now. Its annoying because i feel a wave, like a headache, go through a part of my mind and i know, with that feeling, i am about to get real dizzy. It startles me and a get anxious and kind of afraid, but they are the feelings you should try to get rid of because that's what makes it worse. Its all to do with the ears and my sense of balance. Who cares about that, you wont.

I realize now how little people put the effort into talking to me through any social network. Maybe they had a reason to not responding, or they had nothing to say or that was just the end of conversation and they will never try to continue it. I tell myself to talk to people no matter if they talk to me first or not, guys or girls, no matter. Well, firstly, guys never seem to talk to me. It bothers me only a little because i like communicating with someone who is of a different gender, they act and say things differently. I miss the days where i didn't rely or even have any kind of social networking device. Now i am addicted, not fully, but addicted to checking...just with little hope that someone has messaged me or done anything. 95% of the time i AM disappointed, so i try a lot less now. Actually that's a lie, i still check a lot. I guess i just want to prove myself worthy to have a conversation with. I miss it, oh so much. Im not saying this to get a boyfriend or to sound desperate, i just want interaction and communication. Peace out. 9:25pm.