Generalisation Of A Life

June 2013

14 June 2013

Man, I forget the date so easily. I have to check my phone all the time to make sure its the correct date. I don't pay attention much to time and dates. Today was interesting, as many other days are. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night; it was probably actually around 3-4 am, but you get the picture. Same thing. I always wake up in the middle of my dream and realise I am still in my dream when I wake up. I remain in the train of thoughts of my dream. I got up, got ready as per usual, forgot breakfast and caught the bus. Bus trips are relaxing and unsociable. I read, do homework (often what I need to do last minute) and listen to my music. I fantsy most music; im down with anything except rapping, I can never ever keep up, there mouths speak too fast. Got to school and am always self conscious with people staring at me as I walk by, I argue with myself "they don't even care" "oh but they looked at me, there must be something wrong with me, I must look silly or have messy hair." I end up walking past awkwardly, trying to look around at the suddenly 'interesting' surroundings. I put my bag down and search my bag for some reason, trying to have an excuse to keep busy. I don't like sitting awkwardly by myself. That's why I carry my book everywhere in the morning; so I have something to make me look busy when I am. I walked past the guy that strikes my interest; for some reason he reminds me of someone. He's the kind of guy that has a stereotypical nerdy look; a little overweight in the stomach, tad pale and ferocious hands. He also has purple rings around his eyes, a sign that he lacks in sleep. I don't know why I think about these things.

Had art, it was super exciting, never ever want to leave that class, unless it involves theory. It can be alright sometimes. Started my final piece of the first semester. Worked along with Charlotte. Shes good company. She also has my name, that is a first in my lifetime. I remember first noticing how different she looked from me and thinking I really wanted to become close to her because we had the same name. I thought we could never possibly become close because she looked so different and probably thought I was one of those pansy, lame hipster chicks. Turns out we have major similarities and like many of the same things. I was deceived by appearance. I always find myself to be the one that everyone is just friends with, and nothing more. So im that kind of person people talk to, laugh with and that's it. It doesn't go into any more depth than that. I would love to be more personal with people, but I seem to change my mind all the time, such as the topic of boys. The instance I ever talk to one my mind says I like them, but I know its stupid because its all just a fantasy that they would ever like me.

Recess is good, I always manage to get some sort of free food from the others in the group. Im super glad that Charlotte convinced me to sit with them. Best. Choice. Ever. Made. They are fun, entertaining and you feel comfortable around them. You can actually be yourself without feeling criticized or judged. They don't look at you with anointment they look at you with awe. Its lovely. I feel I have finally found the people I belong with. I don't really want to leave this year. I always walk to the water fountain to observe what's happening around the corner. To watch the lives of others. I like observing the different groups of the schools. It is actually split into categories. Everyone seems to get along in some form or way. Its funny how much I get along with my brother. We seem to finally be on the same page. We are going through a lot with has helped us have a stronger 'bond'. Hate to call it that but its the only one I can think of.

The guys danced and fought at lunch time. Teacher popped out of no where and told them off. Charlotte had the smallest banana ever, it was so pathetically cute. I didn't eat lunch as I ate everything at recess. I will never name boys names in here as I feel uncomfortable knowing they may know my inner feelings. My thoughts and feelings change all the time. So I say thing one second and the next I feel something different towards the same thing. Man, I am typing fast at this current moment. And as I was writing that I made so many mistakes. I think I love awkward people. Sometimes I feel I am too modern. I don't want to be up to date with fashion. I find it lame. I like to just wear whatever, sometimes not though. Sometimes everything just 'doesn't' fit. Lol. Boring topic.