A Series of Firsts (A Matthew Gray Gubler FanFiction)

The First

Saturday night and Alexandria Norwood sat on her couch, remote in one hand, a rum and coke in the other. It has been a horrible week. She had been rear-ended on her commute to work on Tuesday. She had snapped at one of the models on the shoot on Wednesday. She had been reprimanded for the incident on Thursday, and Friday, the day she usually took solace in, ending up betraying her as well. Her boyfriend of 5 months decided that it was as good of day as any to break up with her. She stretched out on the couch, taking a long swig from her cool, refreshing, much needed alcohol beverage. Forgetting was what she needed right now. She just needed the last week to be erased completely.

She flicked the TV on, absentmindedly flipping through the channels. She wasn't really paying attention, just waiting for something to catch her eye. She stopped for a bit on a cooking show, one of those baking competitions. She tuned it out, allowing the slow numbness of her drink to slowly seep through her body. The baking show ended and Alex started her channel surfing again. Her eyes were starting to blur but when his face flashed across the screen, her eyes regained their sharp focus. Her breathing stilled and her heart started to beat a bit faster. She normally avoided this show. She wasn't interested in self-torture and seeing his face on the screen was just that, pure torture.

She couldn't bring herself to change the channel, the remote slipping from her grip and landing with a soft thud on the rug beneath her. She set her drink down on the table and leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees. He looked good, she thought to herself. His hair was shorter and curled around her ears and his neck. He had put on a little bit of weight; his gaunt cheeks had filled in nicely. The clothes that they were fitting him in, hugged his body much more snugly than they used to. She liked the changes.

She hadn't seen him in at least five years, maybe six, she couldn't quite remember, the years were a blur to her now. She did know that the last time they had spoken was exactly four years, 10 months and 19 days ago. She'd never forget it, as it was the day that her heart had completely shattered. She could feel the prickle of tears starting to form behind her eyes and she shut them. She shook her head, needing to not think about that day.

She watched him in awe. He had gotten better in his acting abilities. To be honest, she hadn't the heart to keep up with his career. She had heard bits and pieces, knowing that he had done several independent films and had even started directing episodes of his show. She knew that his true love lay with directing and she had swelled with pride for him.

As the episode continued on, her mind started to wander back to the day that she had first met him. It was the first shooting day of Criminal Minds. It had been her first job as a makeup artist on a show of this caliber. She remembered explicitly the moment she had first seen him. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was so excited and she had to tell him several times to sit still while she had applied his makeup. She remembered how he had made her laugh. She remembered how his smile had lit up his face that day. His eyes had shone with pure enthusiasm. She had first learned of his coffee addiction that day and she remembered how that small tidbit would spawn a friendship between them. She hadn't known it then, but she had fallen in love with him on that day.

The episode played on but her mind was showing an entirely different picture. On one particular day, about two weeks into filming, he walked into the trailer and sat down in his usual chair. He had placed a cup of coffee in front of her and glanced at her through the mirror, his hazel eyes not leaving her green ones.

"I thought maybe you would want some," His voice shook just a little, betraying his nervousness.

She had smiled at him, "Thank you Matthew. I will never say no to coffee."

He had giggled. Something that she would come to truly cherish about him, "You like movies, right?"

She hadn't looked up at him, she had been busy getting her supplies together, but she had nodded her head, "Of course I like movies."

"Okay, good. Um...would you like to go to one with me?" He had been quiet, not wanting to garner any attention from the other occupants in the space.

She had stopped, turning to look at him, "Matthew, are you asking me out?"

He nodded.

She watched him for a moment. His fingers fidgeted in his lap, every few seconds reaching up and pushing his hair behind his ear. "I'd love to go to a movie with you. Would Saturday be okay?"

He nodded again.

"You are allowed to speak. I promise that I don't bite hard."

He laughed and picked up his coffee, "I was really nervous. I was afraid that you would turn me down."

"Now why would I turn you down?"

"Girls aren't knocking my door down and until I started modeling, I really hadn't had much luck with women at all. I guess, I still get nervous, like my streak of good luck will run out."

She stood behind him, her hands on his shoulders and she leaned forward, resting her chin on the top of his head. "Believe me Matthew, you are a catch." She ruffled up his hair, "Now sit still so I can get this done or else someone will be in here to yell at me."

Alex shook her head, bringing herself back into reality. Matthew's face filled the screen and she bent down, picking up the fallen remote. She hesitated, her eyes glued to his beautiful hazel eyes, the eyes that she had spent hours staring into. She pressed down on the power button, Matthew's face disappearing as the screen went black.

She pushed herself up off the couch and walked into the kitchen. She leaned over the sink, the tears had started, but this time, she let them fall. Tears for him hadn't been shed in months but thinking about him still hurt, the pain as raw as it had been all those years ago.

She swiped at her eyes and slowly padded down the hallway to her bedroom. Stopping in front of her closest, she pulled it open, flicking on the light at the same time. Standing on her tiptoes, she reached above her, pulling the album down carefully. She walked over to her bed, climbing under the covers, pulling them around her for comfort. She placed the album in her lap and ran her fingers along the spine gently. She placed her hand in the center, pushing her palm down into the squishy cover. Taking a deep breath, and letting it out in a sigh, she grabbed the edge and flipped it open. The tears started to come faster and she wiped at them before her vision became blurry.

The picture that greeted her was her favorite. Taken not too long before they had ended their relationship, his hair was long, the ends brushing his shoulders. It was always a mess, he never bothered to brush it, but it was soft and she remembered exactly how it felt when she'd run her fingers through it. Her fingertips caressed the picture, running along his face, god, how she missed him. He was smiling that smile, the one that made her heart flutter, all of his teeth bared and his eyes twinkling. She turned the page, the next picture she had forgotten about. It had been taken on their first date, a stark difference in appearance from the previous picture. He had changed so much in their years together, but all of it in a good way. She had particularly liked the changes he had made in his hairstyles and clothing choices.

She spent the next several minutes flipping through pages of her memories, each one stabbing at her a little bit more. She knew what taking this stroll down memory lane would do to her, but she couldn't stop herself from visiting it every so often. If she was being truly honest with herself, she knew that she had never stopped loving him, that she loved him just as much today as she had then. She knew that she missed him terribly, every day, but she also knew that the end had been her doing.

She tossed the book to the foot of her bed, snuggling even deeper under her covers. She was tired, and her moments of sobbing had drained her energy. She switched off the lights and she closed her eyes as her head hit the pillows. Maybe dreamland would be good to her tonight. As she was submerged into R.E.M. her eyes flickering beneath her closed lids, she was taken back to that first date...the date that had started it all.