A Series of Firsts (A Matthew Gray Gubler FanFiction)

The First Ugly Realization

Matthew's phone vibrated across the coffee table. He leaned forward and glanced at the screen. Cocking his head to the side he pressed the decline button, unlocking his phone glancing at the clock displayed before him.

"Did you need to take that phone call?" Alex pushed up off the couch, grabbing the empty glasses and proceeding towards the kitchen. "I can duck into the other room if you need me too."

Matthew shook his head, "No, it wasn't important. It's getting latish and I was thinking that we haven't had anything to eat. What would you say to ordering some pizza?"

"I think that sounds like a really good idea, I'm starving." Alex grabbed two beers from her fridge and a bag of chips from her cupboard and brought them back over the couch. Alex waited while he placed an order with a pizza place nearby her place. He didn't need to ask her what she wanted, for her knew. She smiled slightly as he rattled off their usual order, marveling at the fact that he still remembered, even after all this time. Once he had finished, he placed the phone back on the table, before his eyes were back on her.

"So..." Matthew paused for a moment, "You disappeared and I didn't hear from or see you, well for years, right?"

Alex nodded her head and took a quick swig from her beer, "Not exactly."

"What do you mean, not exactly?" Matthew reached for her beer, pulling it away from her hand and placing it on the table. "When did I see you?"

"Umm... Halloween party five years ago, the one you friend Dave threw."

Matthew scrunched up his eyebrows, "You were at that party? I would have known if you were at that party. I would have seen you there. Dave would have told me if you had been there."

Alex's heart started to beat a bit faster, the guilt starting to force its way back up. "Dave didn't know that I gone and honestly, I thought you had seen me. I could have sworn that you looked right at me." Alex glanced up at him, the unreadable look on his face gnawed at her nerves. "I was really good at one thing then Matthew, and that was running away from the problem that I had created."

Alex pushed her way through the crowd. She had secretly hoped that the party would be packed, so crowded, that it would make blending in and hiding that much easier for her. Alex stood on her tiptoes, desperately scanning the growing throng of party goers, trying to spot the familiar mop of brown curls. The butterflies in her stomach picked up pace the longer she scanned. Her toes started to ache, but still she looked. She wanted to see him. No, she needed to see him. She needed to know that he was okay, but that he was also missing her the way she was missing him. It was selfish, she knew that, but she wasn't ready to come to terms with the fact that their relationship was over. She needed the small glimmer of hope that she still had a chance.

Finally, out of the corner of her, she caught a glimpse of his bobbing head. There he stood, in the middle of a group of women, each one more beautiful than the next. A big, toothy smile donned his handsome features and she could just make out the ring of his heartfelt laughter. Her heart broke. Her heart shattered into more tiny shards. The small glimmer of her hope was fading quickly. He didn't miss her. He didn't need her. He was just fine and Alex was smacked upside the head with that horrid realization.

"Alex, if you were at that party, why didn't you come and find me?" Matthew genuinely questioned her. "At that time, I wanted nothing more than to see you, to talk to you, to get answers."

She sighed, almost in resignation, "I wanted to. It was my intention, at first, to find you..." She shut her mouth, unsure how to proceed, proceed without the emotion that was threatening to tear at her few remaining walls. "When I saw you in the crowd, when I finally found you, there was no way I was getting close enough to talk to you." God, she hated feeling this insecure, even still, in his presence. She still had the crushing sense of regret and knowledge that she'd disappointed him.