Self Destruction // Oliver Sykes

Chapter Twelve: Our Broken Hearts & Twisted Minds

Title Credit & Song: Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

Warning: Self Harm

~Oliver~  

I sat there in complete shock, there was pain in my right eye but I chose to ignore it. My mind was swirling with different thoughts and emotions, most of them being shock and hurt. I was angry at Miranda for telling Lily but I was pissed with myself for not telling Lily. I should have told her as soon as I had gotten the chance. She told me about Ben almost immediately and I didn't even plan on telling her! She had to find out by someone else.

I looked around the club and felt my anger rise once I saw that everyone had their eyes fixed on me. Some people were giving me sympathetic looks while others were whispering things into their friends ears.  

I didn't bother saying anything. Instead, I hoisted myself from the ground and sat back down on the bar's stool. I didn't bother going after Lily because I knew I was the last person she'd want to see. She probably wants nothing to do with me and I can't blame her. What I did was fucked up and I don't think she'll ever forgive me for it.  

"Here, it's on the house." The bartender smiled sadly as she handed me a free shot. I thanked her and quickly drank the liquid.  

So that's it. Lily broke up with me. She said it herself, 'We're fucking done'. I felt tears brimming my eyes as I drank another shot the bartender had given me. I'm such a fucking idiot. Why the hell did I let my jealousy get the best of me? I should have pushed Miranda away when she was in my bunk. I should have been supportive of Lily. I shouldn't have let my fucking jealousy get the best of me.  

I shouldn't have hurt Lily. The last thing I ever wanted to to do was hurt the person I love the most. I don't want her to leave me but what else is there to do? I cheated on her, twice! I did the one thing I never wanted to do to her. I never wanted to hurt her. If I could go back in time and change things; I definitely would. Too bad time travel isn't real yet and I'm fucking screwed now.  

I sighed once I realized someone was sitting next to me. I looked over to my right and saw Matt looking at me with a confused expression. He was probably wondering the exact same thing everyone else was; 'What the hell just happened?'  

"Mate, what happened?" See, I was right.  

I decided it would be best to just tell Matt what happened now rather than having everyone else questioning me about it while we're on the bus. If I tell him now, he'll most likely tell the other guys and that will save me from having to repeat and explain things.  

"Remember when Lily went to LA to model for Victoria's Secret a couple of weeks ago?" I asked.  

Matt nodded in response.  

"Well...." I sighed before I began telling Matt what had happened between Miranda and I. I also added the part when Ben kissed Lily, she admitted it to me almost immediately while I was a cunt and kept the secret for weeks.  

Once I was finished explaining, Matt and I sat there in complete silence. The awful music was blaring from the DJ but neither of us were speaking. I could tell Matt wanted to say something but was at a loss for words; so was I. What is there to say? What's done is done. I wish I could go back and change everything but I can't.  

"Fuck," Matt mumbled, he scratched the back of his neck and sighed before looking back at me, "What are you going to do now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me.  

I said nothing but shrugged in response. I grabbed the small glass and drank another shot of whatever the bartender was giving me.  

What is there to do? Lily broke up with me and she most likely hates me. I'm going to have to see her beautiful face for the next four months and not be able to kiss her again.... I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it.  

~Lily~  

My feet were sore, my eyes were brimming with tears and my hand hurt by the time I had reached the bus. I could hear Ben running after me but I didn't bother turning around or even waiting for him. I opened Horizon's bus door and stepped inside. I wasted no time in hurrying towards the bunk area,  

I grabbed my duffel bag from the junk bunk and began shoving all my clothes inside the small bag. After only a couple of minutes of packing my things, my knees began to feel week and I had to support myself on the bunk in order to stay standing. I heard the door open and close but I didn't bother looking to see who it was because I knew it was Ben.  

He wrapped his arms around me and I immediately burst out crying. I was finally letting out all the tears of anger, hurt and betrayal out. I removed my hands from my bunk and clung on to Ben's shirt as if my life had depended on it. I continued crying into Ben's chest while he drew circles on my back with his finger in attempt to calm me down; which it did.  

After a while of us just standing in the middle of the bunk area in silence, Ben picked me up and carried me off the bus. Once we were on Asking's bus; Ben carried me into the bunk area and laid me down in his bunk before crawling in next to me. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his chest.  

I had stopped crying long ago but the pain was still evident. The thought of Oliver with someone else was burning into my mind and I couldn't get it out. I needed a distraction and I knew exactly what.  

"Ben, I have to use the bathroom." I whispered as I crawled over Ben and hopped out of the bunk. Before he was able to say anything; I was already closing the bathroom door. I quietly locked the door before I began frantically searching the bathroom cabinets until I finally found a clean razor.  

I smashed the razor open using a bottle of shampoo that was inside the shower. I grabbed the small blade and contemplated on whether I should use it again or just put it down. I'm not going to kill myself over some stupid wanker who cheated on me but I need to release the sadness and pain I've been feeling for the last couple of weeks. Whenever I'm upset, I resort to snorting cocaine in attempt to feel better and it usually works but I know that this... this is going to help me more than drugs will ever be able to.  

My shaky hands held tightly on to the blade. I moved away some bracelets I had on my arms only to reveal several fading scars. I haven't self harmed in three years. Although I've thought about it multiple times; I've never actually had the guts to do it.  

I placed the blade on a clean spot and let it slowly run across my skin. There was pain but the feeling of relief overlapped it. Closing my eyes, I lolled my head back and let out a sigh of relief. Yeah, the feeling of relief is something no drug has ever managed to give me. I feel pathetic for relapsing after three years of being clean but... fuck. I just- I want to leave. I want to go back home to Sheffield but I can't because I have to stay here and continue working as a merch girl.  

Yeah, I know Will could easily hire another merch girl but I'm not going to give the satisfaction of Oliver seeing me leave. I'm going to show him that I'm going to be happy with or without him in my life.

&&&

Okay, so again, there are different ways I can take this story.

1) She could forgive Oliver and they'll get back together immediately

2) She could forgive Oliver but they don't get back together and just stay friends or something

3) She could forgive Oliver and get with Benjamin

4) She could tell Oliver to fuck off and get with Benjamin

5) You guys could give me a new idea.

So pick which one you want to see happen ^_^