What Do You Mean?

Chapter 1

The sun beats down warmly upon my skin. I feel more relaxed than I have in months. The only sound I can hear are the waves of the ocean, otherwise it's complete and blissful silence. It's not often that I oget to really enjoy any of this. There's always something going on or someone wanting something from me. Between Justin, Lyric and the new modeling career I've embarked on.. I really never get a moment of peace.

To say that things have been strained between Justin and I would be a slight understatement. I don't know what my problem is anymore. I love him but lately I'm just irritated with everything. We've been through so much together. I'm just exhausted from dealing with all of his issues the last few years. He really has made some big changes in his life and I'm so proud of him for that... However, I've never been a very religious person and I probably never will be. When he really started to turn things around for himself, after a couple of pretty big interventions that were of course kept tightly under wraps. He ended up turning to religion full force. It's fantastic that it helped him get through it all, but all he does is try to shove it down my throat. I can't deal with it. He has all of these new friends from his church and frankly even though they're nice, I just can't deal with it! Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad all the horrible influences in his life are gone, but it almost seems like he traded one addiction/lifestyle for another. Whatever happened to just being normal? Go to church on Sunday and that's that. Not all this bible study bullshit through the week and religious people around him 24/7. It makes me feel crazy!

A few months back I was approached about doing some modeling. I jumped at the chance just so I could feel like I had some sort of life of my own. It makes me feel important, like I am my own person, not just living in the shadow of someone else. I've always supported Justin 100% and have done everything to support him and will continue to do so. I just needed my own identity though. Things have really taken off for me since that first modeling job and I couldn't be happier as far as that goes. Justin on the other hand hasn't been too thrilled about it. He's always been a pretty overly protective, jealous guy but sometimes he gets really out of hand with it. It's not fair in my opinion. He constantly has girls throwing themselves at him while he runs around without a shirt on. Hell I never even said a word when he chose to do the Calvin Klein ads. How is it fair that it's okay for him but not me? I've never given him shit about any of it! He's even given me the speech that me doing modeling isn't being a good role model to our daughter. He said it months ago and apologized profusely for being so hypocritical but it still plays over and over in our mind. It just feels like he wants me all to himself and Lyric, with no friends of my own, only his friends.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up on us. I love him and Lyric dearly but sometimes it's just so dramatic and overwhelming. I still feel drained from all the ups and downs we've had over the last year or so.

We're in the Caribbean right now. I had a shoot to do and he thought it would be a great idea to turn it into a family vacation. I loved the idea until he informed me that he was bringing half his bible study group. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating but it was supposed to be a family getaway, yet he doesn't understand why I've been so "moody"! I mean Christ does he really need an entourage when we are supposed to be having family time?

Anyway we are about to embark on his big comeback so he's been super busy.. We haven't seen much of each other these last few months since he's been working hardcore on this new album. I'm excited for him but it's hard for me to show it to him when he has no excitement whatsoever for the things I do! It's all so confusing. I hope we can find a balance soon because the way things have been suck. Poor little Lyric I fear will never have any stability.

***

"Think the hotel staff would notice if I snagged one of these?" Joe asks, stretching back a little in the chaise beside mine "I need this in my living room."