What Do You Mean?

Chapter 8

"You up?" her voice is so faint I barely hear her even though her head rests on my chest.

I'm actually awake before her for once. I've been quietly listening to her breathe for the last twenty minutes or so, trying to fall back to sleep. "Yeah, unfortunately. I hate being up this early."

She stretches with the sweetest groan "Go back to sleep, J. You've got plenty of time."

My fingers trace imaginary lines up and down her arm "I can't. I already tried."

I watch as she reaches for her end table drawer and close my eyes sadly when I hear the rattle of the pill bottle. Her feet haven't hit the floor yet, and already she's swallowing them down. Proving that they were the first thing she thought of when she opened her eyes.

She rolls back to me and tucks her hands between her cheek and the pillow "What's wrong, J?" The only time you're ever up this early when you don't have to be is when something's up."

I ignore her question and ask one of my own "Shouldn't you be out of those by now?"

Her eyes look nervous, but I'll admit, she hides it well. "I hardly ever take them..."

Yeah fucking right! She must think I'm an idiot "You take them all the time!"

Her face scrunches up "I do not! And anyway, the doctor called me in a refill."

I raise my eyebrows "Again? Why? Are you still in pain?"

"Sometimes. Damn, why the interrogation? Want me to grab you a flashlight to shine in my face?"

"I was just asking, b. Shit, calm down..." I know all too well that her defensive edge isn't good at all.

"Anyway," she starts, changing the subject "Why are you awake? What's wrong?"

"I don't know..." I sigh deeply "It's everything. These meet and greets b, for starters. I can't keep doing them. I just fucking can't. It's way too much. I can't deal."

She silently waits for me to go on.

"All the crying and the hugging and the smiling. It's all so, I don't know...heavy, you know? Every one of them counts on me to be exactly the way they imagined me to be. They all have this idea in their heads about what it's going to be like to meet me, but I don't even know what their idea of it is. And each one has a different picture of it, so who the fuck am I supposed to be? I've got my own shit going on, but I'm expected to create this fucking..." I pause, trying to figure out how to describe it.

"Life changing moment over and over again day after day?"

"Yes!" I nod avidly "How come you always get it? No one else does, that's for fuckin' sure."

"I don't know." She shrugs a little "I just know you I guess."

"So yeah, how am I supposed to deal with all that and then just walk away and get out there and kill it show after show? We have our own things going on. It's too much...there's no room left in my head. It feels like it's just going to explode sometimes."

"J..." she strokes her thumb over my temple to calm me "If it's causing you this much stress, you need to cancel them. I know you hate to disappoint your fans, but realistically, you have to worry about yourself first. And at the end of the day, I honestly think most of them would want you to do exactly that anyway."

I drag my palm across my face in exasperation "Tell that to fucking Scooter."

"You want me to talk to him? Because I will."

She's so good to me. Even knowing how he would react, she would do it for me in a second.

"I know you would, love. But he'll flip out and get all shitty, and you'd end up crying."