What Do You Mean?

Chapter 19

"Yo!" I snap, ducking away when Ryan casts his line out in the water, sending the hook whizzing past me a little too closely "You've got the whole damn boat, why you gotta be so close?"

He's facing away from me, but I know he's rolling his eyes just the same "Quit your whining, it didn't come anywhere near you." He props his pole up beside him and grabs a fresh bottle of corona out of the cooler, tossing me one as well.

We sit in silence for a while, watching our bobbers float in the water, sipping occasionally from our bottles, before he cuts his eyes in my direction "So, how's everything been?"

My shoulders slump slightly as the weight of the situation settles down upon them once again. "Shit, man. Everything is shit."

"Seems like it." He nods solemnly "She seems different, quiet...older somehow, I guess. So do you."

I reel my line in and toss my pole aside "Not catching anything anyhow...maybe the water's too cold. Anyway, it sounds fucking stupid now, but I guess I thought once he was locked up everything would just go back to normal. I just didn't realize..." I fall silent, at a loss.

"The gravity of what happened in that room?" he offers.

"Exactly." He gets it, I don't know how, since I don't even understand it and I was there, but he does and I'm grateful that he's here. "I'm glad you guys came..." I sigh, watching the shadows of B and Ashley talking beside the fire across the water "I think it's good for her. Maybe she'll talk to Ashley, she certainly isn't talking to me."

"No?"

I shake my head "Not really. It's like she's two different people now, bro."

He takes a long swig of his beer, waiting for me to go on. Prodding lightly with "How so?" when I don't.

"At first she wanted...no, needed me constantly. She was right here," I wave my hand around the space directly beside me "touching me, holding my hand, her head on my shoulder, whatever. And she had this way of standing a little bit behind me wherever we were, it was barely noticeable, but the reason for it was clear...I made her feel safe. Don't know why..." I shrug helplessly "It's not like I actually did anything to protect her like I should have."

"That's not fair, and you know it." He counters.

"Yeah, well guess what? I don't know that at all. Now it's that way one minute and then like a switch its all of a sudden this other thing. It's like I'm not even there...not like she doesn't want me to be there, like I'm actually not even fucking there, man."

"I'd say it's probably pretty normal for her to be angry at the world, including you sometimes, given everything that happened."

"That's the fucking thing though!" my agitation is growing, but I don't bother trying to calm down and allow it to all come spilling out "It'd be better if she was pissed, yo! If she yelled and screamed and threw shit at me I'd throw a goddamn party! She just shuts down and when she looks at me it's like she's looking right through me. It's gets so bad sometimes I have to walk away just to keep from grabbing her up, shaking her, screaming in her face just to make her see me!"

He exhales heavily, conveying his sadness without a word "You guys need to go talk to someone. No one gets through something this fucked up alone."

I nod, but let it go without comment "It's not all bad. One week she's like that, but the next she's back to wanting me 24/7." I pause and backtrack "Actually, that's a lie. It's all bad, because that's exactly what makes it so fucking hard. I never know where I'm gonna stand with her from one day to the next, it's like some fucked up game that no one will tell me how to play but I'm out there on the field anyway, looking like an idiot."