Walking The Line - a Clexa modern AU

Between Need and Forgiveness

Clarke's Pov

As I was about to run to starbucks I saw the clock on our wall. Shit, I was too late. Damn this shower and its warm water. No actually bless that but now I had to run. I ran as fast as I could and arrived just in time. The teacher wasn't here yet. Ever since Lexa had left for 'family business', we had a male professor. He was a rather interresting teacher but I wouldn't be surprised if he found himself with a few cases of sexual harrassment on his back. As I was doodling something on my already charged textbook I heard a few whispers of surprise. Lincoln had straightened up in his chair and I tensed as nervousness invaded me, I had a feeling I knew why everyone was surprised.

"Hey everyone. I know I have been absent for quite sometime but I hope you are as happy to see me as I am to see you."

I squeezed my eyes shut. Three months without a word from her and she still had my heart beating like crazy. I felt so much anger and yet it felt as if I could finally breathe. My eyes stayed glued to my desk the whole class. She reviewed with the students what had been done, which were the point she needed to make clear for them, those they actually appreciated ect... It was as if she had never left, the students obviously were delighted to have her back and they did their best to show her. But I couldn't look at her, I didn't want to, not when everyone else could as well. At the end of the class Lincoln squeezed my shoulder before heading to his next class. He had been such a great support for the past three months with everything I had to go through... Its a pity things didn't workout with Octavia. He's such a great guy though, he won't stay alone for long. As the class started to clear, I thought about all the hurt, the hope, the anger and the sadness that filled me while Lexa was gone and I knew what to do. Someone sat next to me, it was Lexa. At least she wasn't avoiding me now. I heard her taking a deep breath.

"Clarke?"

How could she do that? Her voice was as calm and soothing as ever and yet you could hear the guilt and the apprehension in it. I couldn't find it in me to answer so I just sat there, not hitting whether I had heard her.

"Please." Her voice once so composed cracked a little.

I shut my eyes trying to remember why I wanted to say no to her, why I needed to back away if she reached out. She was so close I could almost smell the forest on a rainy day, the smell that somehow conforted me but also made me want to run away.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was just above a whisper. "I never meant to..."

"Not talk to me for almost three months." I filled in finally turning to her. When my eyes met hers I knew I was right all along. She didn't want to hurt me. But she was lost and as much as I wanted to save her she needed to see it for herself. She deserved to be happy, I was convinced she did, she deserved the world but I couldn't give that to her, not until she was ready. I took her hand in mine and leaned closer to her, our eyes never leaving each others. Bellamy's words echoed through my mind as I searched the meadow before me.

"I can give you all the forgiveness in the world bur you know how this goes. If you don't forgive yourself..." I chuckled as I realized how cliché I sounded right now. "Actually fuck that. Whether you do or do not forgive yourself, you should see and accept that the world as a lot to offer for you. You are still alive, you still have the possibility to fully live your life, not just for the ones you lost on the way but also because you owe it to yourself. You owed it to yourself to see you had something with me, you owe it to yourself to see that punishing yourself for what happened to Costia isn't getting anyone anywhere. You are blaming yourself for something that you had no responsability over and even if you did, it's about time you learn that you can't fix the past as you can't live in the future, now do the math and you'll see that your only option is to live in the present, in the now. And right now you have so much..." I took a deep breath, trying to calm my heartbeat. "You think you have every right to be angry and in pain, that it is your cross to bear for Costia and that student but it's not and it blinds you. You don't see that more than yourself, the ones that get punished are us. Me for caring about you in a way you refuse to acknowledge, your friends for wanting happiness for you when it's the only thing you won't allow yourself to have and your family for having to watch you suffer the way you are and being helpless about it." She shut her eyes and took a shaky breath. My voice was harsh now but I couldn't help it.

"I don't have a family anymore..." Her voice held so much pain it broke my heart but still I didn't waver.

"Wrong. Anya wanted so much more for you, you could see it in her eyes. Think about it Lexa, I know you do have a family and by saying the opposite you are just proving my point, not acknowledging the way people are here for you, what they are for you isn't protecting you, it is only hurting them." She flinched at my words. As her eyes met mine once again I saw how affected by my words she was. I squeezed her hand reassuringly. Giving her this speech made me sad, it reminded me of Finn. I closed my eyes as to stop the threatening tears.

"Clarke?" He hand gently stroke my cheek as I took a shaky breath. "What happened?" She just had to ask. She had to guess something came up because I was incapable of hiding from my feelings. She just put her pain aside and tried to help me through mine. It was so easy for her to give me everything I ever needed in a simple touch and then taking it all back by simply walking away.

"Finn died. He was under the influence of drugs and he jumped off a roof for fun... Apparently ever since he went back home he has been doing drugs, drinking day in and day out. He became someone else entirely and I..." A single tear ran down my cheek as I silenced myself, not bearing to say another word.

"It wasn't-"

"My fault? Of course it wasn't but it is still my god damn responsibility. I shouldn't have hated him so hard, I beat him up for Christ's sake! All he wanted was forgiveness, I could have given that to him but instead I just forgot about him. I was happy about my new life, making new friends, a new family, flourishing into a new love interest and I just..." I couldn't say more, I had cried enough over him, too much over my own self. I took a deep breath and looked her dead in the eyes. "I just realized that so much can happen in a few months, a few people, a few special days and a whole new person is born. I will always bear this with me but as I said before pain can be overcomed and I did just that. My friends, my family helped me overcome that pain and go on with my life. I just feel stronger now." It was crazy how I just kept baring my heart to her like that, it wasn't healthy for me and yet she showed so much tenderness, I could see it in her eyes, feel it when she squeezed my hand. She had so much to give but she prefered to hold it back, fearing what she would get in return. Yet when it was just us two, she allowed herself to give a bit of her tenderness, a bit of herself here and there.

As the reels were turning in my head, my heart torn in different directions I looked deeper into her eyes. They were invaded by this storm she had when I first met her. The one that inspired my first artistic project. Why was it back now? I couldn't bear to watch her suffer like that. I leaned in so that our forheads were touching, our lips brushing.

"Don't close yourself up Lexa." I whispered against her lips. She let out a shaky breath.

"Clarke I-" I cut her off with a kiss. I put all of my tenderness in it, all of me. Her lips were soft against mine. So soft and gentle, her bottom lip was trembling. I broke the kiss and looked into her beautiful green eyes.

"I'm sorry Lexa. I want to be with you, you know I do. But I can't fight anymore, I owe it to myself to not seek something I can't have." I stroke her cheek and as she leaned into my touch my heart broke a little more. It had escalated so quickly, so many words once unsaid had been unleashed and it felt so good yet hurt so much.

"I need time. I need you to give me some time before we start seeing each other again as friends of even for the council." Her eyes were drowning in sadness and my heart clutched but I had to. I had to get away from her before she had the power to break me completly. As I stood up and grabbed my bag I realized that she already had that power and walking away now was just damage control. But as I left the class my heart felt heavy and yet so light, broken into a thousand pieces. Walking away now definitely was the best option. Because if it broke my heart now, I wondered what would have been left of me if I had come to love her.

Author's Note

So heavy update, lots of heavy meaningful words and unfortunately a heartbreaking decision but now its all up to Lexa to fight for what she wants, if Clarke truly is what she wants.
Anyway moving on, there won't be much drama in this fic, they'll have their problems, a fair share, but it will mostly focus on the discovering each other and learning to be friends and open with one another ( yep looking at you Lexa). As for Octaven, they will have more impact than you can expect in the story but no worries Lincoln's new girlfriend will be of real help and a great surprise!
Thanks for the votes <3