At Last (IPKKND Secret Romance #4)

Chapter 11: Duty

Khushi trembled as she waited for Arnav-ji to speak.

"Okay," he took a deep breath, "From what I understand there are three separate but related issues. The first is that you don't know what to expect in our marriage bed. The second is that you don't know how it relates to having children, and you aren't ready for children. The third is that you're afraid that I'm waiting for you to be ready, and you think that it might make me angry to keep waiting. Did I understand that right?"

When he said it like it, it made the situation sound clear, as if there were just three problems that they could easily fix.

"Yes," she agreed, her voice small in the darkness.

"The third is the easiest to deal with," he said, "Khushi, I won't ever force you to do anything you're not ready for. But you don't need to worry about being ready. I don't know if I'm ready for everything this marriage bed means."

Khushi turned to look at him.

"Don't look at me like that," he grimaced, "This is new for me too. I mean, yes I've ... but Khushi, no one has ever meant this much to me. No one has looked at me the way you do, no one has trusted me as much as you. It means so much more because I'm sharing it with you. And yes, I want you, more than I've wanted anyone. Sometimes I burn with it. But ... Khushi ... this terrifies me because I don't want to hurt you or let you down. So don't worry about me waiting for you. We'll do what feels right for us."

Khushi nodded, tears spilling as relief flooded her. Somehow, she'd thought that only she was vulnerable, that his experience made him immune to the doubt and nerves she felt.

"And children," he continued, "I guess this is something we should've talked about earlier. I'm not ready for them either. But I do want children eventually. What about you?"

Khushi blushed, turning to hide herself in him. "I want them too, eventually."

He chuckled, stroking her hair, "There. See, that wasn't so hard. I'll bet that you have names planned out too?"

"Maybe."

Now he was laughing in earnest, trying to hush himself so no one woke up.

"Khushi. You're going to drive me crazy, but at least you'll be infuriatingly cute about it."

She smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"As for the last thing," he said when he'd controlled his laughter, "I've never explained it to anyone. I can try. But I'll understand if you'd be more comfortable with someone else telling you. The only thing I'll say now is that the explanation can be quite clinical. It leaves out things like love, passion, and enjoyment, so it can be confusing. You might feel uncomfortable with the whole idea. That's normal."

"I don't understand."

"No, you wouldn't," Arnav-ji smiled thinly, "Okay, this is a silly analogy but maybe it will help. What if you didn't know what kissing was and someone explained it to you? It wouldn't sound like something anyone would want to do, right?"

Khushi thought about it. "So ... you're saying that I might not like ..."

"Well, that's a possibility, and we'll deal with that if it happens. But that's not what I was talking about."

The next hour was enlightening. Arnav-ji filled in the gaps in her knowledge, explaining everything and how it related to the things they had spent their nights exploring. Khushi swung between embarrassment, curiosity, and fear, and found that he was right. It sounded invasive and unappealing.

He explained how they could prevent children, pulling open the drawer on his bedside table and showing her a foil wrapped packet. He mumbled something about bananas that she didn't understand. He told her about tablets she could take, about injections, and then said that she's better off talking to a doctor because he didn't know about them in depth.

Khushi blinked sleepily as he finished, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

"That was like school," she complained, "with all the memorising and diagrams on your phone. Are you going to test me?"

Her husband grinned wickedly, "Not in the way you're imagining."

Blushing, she turned away in a huff, but he caught her easily. They settled down to sleep. She curled into Arnav-ji, holding his sweater and resting her head on his shoulder.

"Relax," he whispered, "everything's going to be fine."

"You're not angry?" she had to be sure.

"Never. Not about this."

"And what about ... wifely duties?"

"What nonsense," he scoffed, "Don't let anyone tell you it's a duty. I want you to want me too."

"And what if I'm never ready?"

"Remember earlier tonight? Remember how you didn't want to stop?"

She hadn't thought he'd noticed. Her response was a whisper. "Y-yes."

"There will come a time when we won't stop. But until then, I'm going to make sure you're with me every step of the way. That means that, sometimes, I'll pull away before you're ready to. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, or don't want you. I never want you to regret your body's responses, Khushi. When it happens, it'll be because you're ready both here and here."

He punctuated his words with kisses, one to her temple and one over her heart.