Shit Journel (Mostly Art)

i fear the future

So uhm... this was originally going to be just about love and such but ive broadened it a bit. Here we go i guess.
Im afraid of whats to come next. Not exactly in the near future. Not even really within five years (other than school and such). But when im out on my own in life. I dont know how to make friends. Im too unsure of myself and my decisions. I am so worried for life and scared about living. I see all these people, the game grumps, markiplier, and much more, living out their lives exactly how i would love to. They have a bunch of good friends, nice homes, a cool job... im worried i wont get that. Now some people i know are religious and believe god already has that set out for them but since im bot religious... i have to rely on myself. Like i mentioned before, im unsure of myself. I barely trust myself sometimes. Im trying to get better with being productive, im doing okayish... another thing id like to talk about is love. Right now im excluding characters from cartoons and such. These people that i seem to obsess over... i love them. I know thats fucking weird but if you watched someones videos and saw them for who they are and you seemed to like them for that... wouldn't you fall in love too? Im scared ill never marry someone like that, whether i have this issue for complete failures of past relationships (they broke up with me though i actually liked them or going into the relationship without truly liking them) or something else... im afraid. I want to love someone who ill be comfortable with, to have companionship with but still follow my dreams (not completely relying on them). Im also afraid of divorce. I dont want to ever have a divorce. When i love, i love truly and wholly. I love the person for everything they are and arent. I hope my love loves me in similar ways.. but im so unsure. Im so scared. Those people in the collage i put to this, Mark Ficshbach, Leigh Daniel Avidan and Kim Taehyung, they are people id like to spend my time with. They are nit afraid of who they are. They have an appreciation for things. Theyre following their dreams... more or less. If i was just a bit older i would not hesitate to marry one of them. Again, weird i know but again, wouldnt you fall in love with someone that fits your type? The odds of meeting any of them are so damn low let alone befriending and marrying. And maybe im not THEIR type. Age gaps are another thing. If im being completely honest, Taehyung would be the most realistic person is marry if it were to ever happen since im closer to his age (approximately 6 years difference, my parents were about a 5 years difference i think. Update 5/1 the gap between my sister and her current boyfriend is about 8 years). Now for me, age doesnt matter but thats not the case for everyone. But anyway, maybe this us all the teen angst and hormones, maybe this is legit concern and anxiety, both or something else... enough of my creepiness 😅 sorry