I cannot make sense of people passing around me, or of time, or anything.
I am still.
I feel numb.
Was it possible to feel any more numbness? The wave of panic and numbness which had hit me when he was shot felt like the most extreme I could feel. But now, the numbness which overtook felt so deeper that I couldn't even coherent thoughts in my head. My face is probably blank, just how my mind is. My father is pulling me into a hug, he probably expects me to bawl, collapse and cry my eyes out.
But, all that I am is still.
My mind cannot process this, whatever he had said. It had downright refused to register anything or feel anything. I felt too many things at once and absolutely nothing at all.
Alex. The one word that keeps spinning in my head.
Without meaning to, my raspy voice comes out, "Alex." I hitch a breath. "Where is he?" My father pulls away and looks at my face with concern, searching for tears and finds nothing. He gives a simple nod, and turns around to speak to a nurse.
I am pushed along to a room where there is sharp white light, and a metal table that's what it looks like and a body covered in sheets lay upon it. Alex. I had asked about him. Why was I here? The link is clear in my head, but I don't want to connect it, not yet. I want to think otherwise, for as long as I can, even if it meant for only a few more seconds.
I come closer to realize that the person lying is the one who, my eyes have been searching for so long. Instinctively my hand finds his. Cold. It's like I am holding ice. I hold it with both my hands and exert all the pressure I have to warm his hand. It doesn't make much difference, but I do not realize that and continue holding it.
My eyes are set on his face. Why is there no movement? Not even the slightest. Can he not feel me close? His face looks calm. Like it does when he goes to bed after he has had a good day. So calm, that I wouldn't want to wake up and ruin the calm. But, I was a mess. I needed him to look at me once to just know it was all okay, contradictory to whatever else my brain tried to convince me was going on.
"Alex." I barely manage to whisper, as I lean in closer my hands still holding his. "It's me." My voice is quivering. "Please, wake up." I am begging him. My father instantly holds me and tries to pull me away. "He cannot wake up, dear." This time his voice breaks. "He is gone just too far to come back."
"He wouldn't" I finally speak my mind and easily manage to free myself of his grip. Without meaning my tears start flowing, "He promised me, he would never leave me." My hands cup around his cold face, so cold that it doesn't feel like him at all. "Prove them wrong, please wake up." I whisper.
This time it's not my father's caring arms that pull me away but the nurse, "Ma'am, you need to leave." She has strength and despite my efforts I cannot free myself as she drags me away. And at that moment, more than anything, my heart aches at least for one last something,
One last smile.
One last look.
One last anything.
One last of him.
I think of my kids and internally break down more. My parents or sister must know where they are. This is a horrendous nightmare, the kind which looks awfully real but once you wake up, despite all the negativity, it all never really happens. This is what it had to be. I just had to wake up.
I am made to sit into a car by my mother, and my mother in law is already seated in the car. She looks inconsolable. Her only son. I know I am still crying because I can feel my vision blurred. I extend my hand to her and she looks up at me. She holds my hand, her eyes still flow and so does mine. But our hands are held tight, we understand each other's loss more than anybody else could.
The car stops at my parents' house, that is where I think we are but I am not in the least concerned of where we were. My sister, Kiara opened the door and pulled me out and into a tight hug. If at all I had in the way stopped crying, it begins again as she clutches me harder and I cannot even manage to wrap my arm around her, I just hold on to her side tightly and weep on her shoulder.
"Jay and Cole are upstairs." She informs as we enter the house. "How are they?" I ask instantly realizing how selfish I was being, my boys were there when it happened, they must be terrified. "They were in little shock, with whatever happened. They are alright. I gave them some warm milk and put them to sleep." She says still holding me.
"I will go see them" I say moving towards the stairs, when she holds my hand. "Maybe, you should change first." She says looking at my shirt and coat, both painted in blood. I look down. Was I ready to let go? "They are sleeping and it will be dark they won't realize, I just need to see them." I say and climb up. She is saying something, but I don't care.
I open the door, and spot my boys curled up in my old bed. I walk over and kiss them on the forehead. Jay, my older 8 year old, opens one eye and on spotting me, completely wakes up. "Mom, are you okay?" he asks turning towards me, wiping my tears with his small hands. "Is Daddy in the hospital?" he asks, his little face etched with concern. I only manage to nod, and hold his hand which was on my cheek. "It's been a long day, you should sleep." I tell him. "You look tired, too." He says, the concern never leaving his face. "I will be okay." I manage to say and he turns and closes his droopy eyes, it certainly had been a long day.
That is when I truly feel exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I walk out and to the restroom on the floor and see myself in the mirror. My face looks tired and for the first time I see the blood all over my shirt, I turn the tap on and wash my face and hands, but a wave of realization hits me that I had held his abnormally cold lifeless hands and that feeling returns to me instantly. I turn the tap off and start rubbing my hands with a towel, but the entire day plays in my head, and I just fall down, weak to any longer hold myself. Horrible Nightmare, this time I pray for it, but again my heart and mind knows but doesn't want to accept.
There is a soft knock, "Are you in there?" Kiara walks in. She sits down and holds me and I sob. She doesn't say anything, neither do I. I don't remember how or when she took me to bed. I just remember finally letting go and drifting to nothingness, with my vision still blurred with tears, my body exhausted and my mind thinking of only him.
Him with me.
Him not gone.
YOU ARE READING
The Crazy & Stupid
Teen Fiction"You don't know what you have, until its gone. Reality, You knew exactly what you had but you just never thought you'd lose it. " What happens when someone you thought would be an integral part of your life forever is gone? What happens when you can...
