Blurred.
The next three days are a blur. I am fed pills by my sister and my weak body tells me I am sick, but I don't care, I cannot.
I cannot do anything at all, my body, mind, and heart everything is still and I am simply breathing and moving with the stride.
The funeral takes place, and I am made to sit in a corner. Many shoulders hug against mine, many hands hold my hand, several whispers in my ears but nothing registers my mind. But when I am taken forward closer to him, the murmurs of something about "See him one last time" stumps my brain. My boys are also brought forward.
Alex lays just as I saw him in the hospital morgue, but this time in a suit. He always looked his best in formals. My hand intuitionally moves towards his. The word "Last" haunts my mind, so much so that I collapse. I sink into darkness and recall nothing any further.
I wake up to find myself in my old room in my parent's house, its dark outside. Just like every time I wake up these days and wish on everything for it to be a nightmare, I do so again. But when I realize how I had slipped from consciousness, I sob against the pillow.
He was really gone now.
Nothing could give me anything of his, my everything had been taken.
They say it's the fifth day since then, for me an eternity had passed. All the visits from any well-wishers had stopped. My parents don't ask me anything or console me constantly. They are just there for me, they know I will find my way around, but I need them to be there when I do so.
So, when I question my mother about my kids she looks startled to hear me speak. That is when it dawn on me how selfish I had been for so long, but I couldn't help it, I had gone numb and I had no control over it.
"They are staying over at Kiara's, they need the company of the kids." She lightly caresses my face and kisses on my forehead as she sits down in front of me and holds my hand firmly. I settle my head in the crook of her neck and lean against her, and we just stay like that, since I already lost track of time it's hard for me to tell for how long, but long enough to revive the life in me.
I ask for the kids to be brought. They come running towards me from the car as I stand near the door waiting. They lunge in my both arms and my heart feels like its beating again.
I look at them and all the numbness in my mind fades as reality dawns upon me. I cannot pause, I have to move, and I have to live for them even if it feels like the hardest thing to do, to live, without him.
The next day I muster up enough courage to drive myself to our house. I thrust the key in the lock and enter, I instantly feel like I am a week back in time.
The boy's mugs are still on the coffee table with the hot chocolate stains deeply ringed in them, their toys scattered all over the rug, his laptop kept ajar on the sofa with his shirt lying beside it. It is exactly how it would look on a Monday morning.
A stench of rot hits me as I move towards the kitchen, the oven's been cleaned of the dinner I had prepared for that day, Kiara probably did it when she came to fetch the clothes but a strong smell still lingered.
My legs feel heavy as I drag them towards our bedroom. I open the door and surrounded by a scent not polluted with the smell of rot. The towel is still lying on the bed and the dresser messed.
I sink in the bed, and a sense of security overwhelms me as I smell him around me. I close my eyes and the tears start flowing in again as I clench the sheets and slowly sleep overtakes.
I may come out as a weak person. Someone so fragile who got shattered so easily. Should've had courage you may say. But I was broken when I was least prepared for it.
When someone you love falls terminally ill, you are hopeful, you pray for them to be fine as soon as possible, but in some deep corner of your mind the thought of losing them even if remotely does pass through.
We were in the park, going to go home and have dinner. It was our game night, we would spend the next few hours playing with the kids. My biggest worry then only was if my kids would sleep on time and not be late for school tomorrow. Not even remotely, had I thought that I would lose the love of my life in a jiffy.
When you expect a blow, you are minimally prepared to protect yourself, but when you are not expecting it, it hits harder than it should. You collapse with a thud, it takes longer than usual to get up because first you process that you've fallen, and then you realize that you must get up, and in all this the wounds do not heal they only grow deeper.
I was still processing that I had fallen, I still had miles before I could stand up, or even think about standing up.
A/N -
HEYLO!
It's been terribly long and I am so extremely sorry about it. I know I have always said how late updates can make the readers distant from the story. But, I just had some of own battles to fight.
But, now I am here and with a resolve to be very regular.
Until next time, reader!
Have a great day/night! :)
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The Crazy & Stupid
Jugendliteratur"You don't know what you have, until its gone. Reality, You knew exactly what you had but you just never thought you'd lose it. " What happens when someone you thought would be an integral part of your life forever is gone? What happens when you can...
