Rain falls from you (joshler)

how to say goodbye

JOSH//

I wasn't a huge fan of goodbyes. Most of the time, you end up sounding either too sad or not enough. Last impressions are a thing, and it always makes me nervous. In the current situation, none of this mattered anyway.

It's hard to say goodbye, and it's harder when you don't get any answer.

I looked around the graveyard, and took a deep breath. I had spent loads of nights here, curled up on a bench, in the past year. It was the only place where I could let myself be numb, and as quiet as I wanted to be. I sat down on the grass, and let my hand brush the surface of the tombstone. Most of the flowers were dead on it, apart from the three lilies I had brought with me that morning. He loved them, those lilies. He smelt like them, actually. The white flowers made me feel like he was right there, sitting next to me, whistling between his teeth and his hand resting on my knee. I was so cold.

I didn't notice I was crying, at first. I always tried not to, when I visited Ryan. But knowing this time was the last one in a long while was hard. I felt like I was abandoning him. I had made it my duty to be there, in this cemetery, everyday. Dad insisted that we had to move away, though. I realised that he was right: this place held painful memories for us. But Ryan would be alone in Los Angeles, for god knows how long. Of course Mark would come sometimes: he promised it to me. But The Ross family already moved away, letting their son behind, and now his boyfriend was leaving.

I knew it was childish of me to act like he'd miss us. He was dead. He left me, he chose to. I was over the fact I didn't get to help him: I couldn't. He didn't let me. He just decided to leave me. I couldn't be mad at him; I couldn't help feeling awfully betrayed too.

My feelings had been a blur ever since he had killed himself. I was like a toddler, who couldn't take decisions for himself. I couldn't start my life over, obviously. But getting away from LA was the first step to getting my mind back.

I wiped my cheeks, drying the few tears I had been too weak to hide. It was time to go.

I stood up, and stared at the gravestone a few seconds more. "George R. Ross".

"I love you, Ry" I whispered. "I'll be back. I promise."

Then I ran to the alley, to the cemetery gate, without a single look back. I felt like fainting. The car was outside; I jumped in the passenger seat. My father patted my shoulder, and pulled off in complete silence. I rested my head on the window, trying to stop shivering.

Yes this is EXTREMELY SHORT but I plan on posting loads of small parts rather than huge chapters because that's how I find it the most comfortable to read!! Please vote and comment on this and I'll post the next part VERY soon

Btw I'm Spencer. I do ship Jyan. This ship exists fiGHTME

I'm @blasphemydun on instagram. If you came here from there, my propaganda worked and I'm satisfied. Sorry, though.