golden boy ✩ mashton ☑️

Chapter 10: Thoughts

[ outfits on the side/top fuck they look dad af. ok carry on ]

"I wished they'd left me there."

"You don't know what it's like to wish that you were dead. To constantly have the urge to hurt yourself because it's the only thing you can control in your life."

"It's not gonna get better for me, Michael."

"I just want to be free."

The things that Ashton had said earlier today wouldn't leave Michael's mind. It was like a hurricane of depressing thoughts that Ashton has had for god knows how long have finally made their way into Michael's head. And now that they were there, they wouldn't go away. Not even long enough for Michael to get some sleep.

Is this how Ashton felt all the time? Now that Michael was experiencing it, he finally understood. He just wanted to shut his brain off, it was driving him insane. He didn't know how Ashton had lasted this long, but the boy was strong. Michael needed to sleep, but his mind simply wouldn't shut off.

He ended up staring blankly at the ceiling, letting the thoughts take over. The only thing that seemed to break him out of his daze was when the sunlight came through the window. Michael reached over and grabbed his phone, checking the time to see that it was only a bit after 7:30. The only thing annoying about Winter in Australia was the fact that the sun came up quicker and made people think that it was later than it actually was.

Michael yawned, getting out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. He glanced in the mirror and of course he looked as tired as he felt. He had bags under his eyes and they were also a little bit red due to how much they were burning, he also noticed how the pink in his hair had faded and it didn't look like fairy floss anymore. The boy did his business and washed his face, trying to make him look not so tired but it didn't work all that well.

Ashton was leaving the hospital tomorrow, he wondered if he should go over and see him today but if he was being honest, he wasn't ready to. What Ashton said yesterday scared Michael so much and that was the reason why he didn't sleep at all. What Ashton said had a huge effect on Michael, luckily he had other things on his mind today because it was honestly painful hearing his thoughts all night. The mind could be extremely evil when it wanted to be.

Since school went back in a few days, Michael thought that he'd go to the mall and choose a new hair dye. He didn't really feel like going alone, but he also didn't want to ask if Calum and Luke could go with him. Although, Calum told Michael that if he needed anything to call him. Did that make them friends? He had no idea, but he may as well just ask.

Michael went into Calum's contact, his thumb hovering over the call button. He didn't know why he was so awkward to call; it was only Calum. After a few seconds of contemplating, he decided that he didn't have any other friends so it was basically Calum and Luke or no one. And so he finally pressed the call button, waiting anxiously until he heard Calum on the other end.

"Hey Michael," Calum greeted. "What's up?"

"Hey, um... I was wondering if you'd maybe wanna come to the mall with me?" Michael asked and heard Calum was talking to someone, most likely Luke, although it was too quiet for Michael to make out what they were saying.

"Luke said he'd go to the mall with you, I'm going to visit Ash." A twinge of jealousy hit Michael when Calum said that. It was selfish of Michael, since Calum was the one who saved Ashton in the first place. And Ashton told him that there wouldn't be anything going on between the two anyway so he didn't know why he was jealous.

"Okay, yeah." Michael said and heard more talking in the background.

"So Luke said he'd pick you up in about an hour since he's too lazy to walk," Before Michael could say anything he heard a slapping noise and Calum groan in pain.

"As if I'm gonna walk all the way to the mall, fuck tard." Michael heard Luke say, earning him to laugh a little.

"Anyway, Luke will see you soon and I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, see you later," And with that, he hung up. Since he only had an hour until Luke was coming to get him, he figured he should start getting ready. As he was browsing through his wardrobe, he also tried to think of a colour to dye his hair. Maybe Luke could help him decide. Michael sighed, throwing basically every single item of clothing he had onto his bed and realised that he had so many clothes, but none that he wanted to wear.

He knew he was acting like a girl, but a least now he finally understood their everyday struggle. Although he didn't have to waste his time putting makeup on. After about 20 minutes of trying to decide what to wear, he finally picked out a sweater and his regular black skinny jeans. He got changed and checked the time, seeing he had half an hour left before putting on the boots he wore basically every day. He really was in desperate need of new clothes and shoes.

Michael made his way into the bathroom, brushing his hair and leaving it natural since he didn't know what else to do with it and brushed his teeth. For the remaining of the time, he just waited in his bedroom until he finally heard the beeping of a car outside his house. The boy quickly grabbed his wallet and made his way out of the house before Luke could beep the horn again since his parents were still asleep and he didn't want to wake them. He hopped into the car, greeting Luke and the boy greeted him back with a smile before they headed off towards the mall.

-

Calum hopped out of Luke's car, telling him he'd see him later before making his way into the hospital. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked through the entrance, automatically met with the familiar hospital smell. It was awfully cold and Calum didn't like it. Well, he didn't like hospitals in the first place. However, he hadn't seen Ash yet and he wanted to see how he was doing.

Michael was a mess when he left Ashton yesterday and he was curious about that. He wanted to know what happened, but he didn't want to ask either of them because he didn't want to upset them. However, Ashton might have not even said anything in the first place. It could have just been the state that he was in that got Michael so distraught.

Calum found out what room Ashton was in and signed his name in the visitors book before taking the elevator and soon enough, he was standing outside of Ashton's room. He glanced through the window, seeing that he was asleep and he second guessed going in. Maybe he should come back later. He didn't want to disturb him; he was most likely exhausted.

Calum was about to turn away, but then he saw Ashton stir in his sleep. He watched a little longer and when he saw Ashton's eyes open, he smiled timidly and knocked on the door quietly before entering. Ashton rubbed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows when seeing the raven-haired boy walking towards him.

"Calum, what are you doing here?" Ashton asked, not knowing how to feel about seeing him. Michael told him that he was the one who saved his life and Ashton really wished that he hadn't. Calum didn't answer, he just sat on the bed and pulled him in for a hug, Ashton not hugging back. The boy felt numb in Calum's arms, he felt lifeless.

He was constantly living in a nightmare and no one understood how much he wanted it to end. But he would end it one day. It may not be tomorrow or the next day or even in a week, but he knew he would do it eventually. And when he did, no one would stop him.

[a/n okay i just want to thank everyone who is reading this!! i appreciate all of the votes and comments so much. you guys make me really happy and give me the courage to continue with my writing when i feel like i should give up so THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. ❤✧☻]