Butterfly Effect

Curly Hair and Cinnamon

July 24, 2014

This is first letter I'm writing about you; please bear with me. I don't even know why I started to do this; I just met you two days ago and I can't get you out of my head. You were disrupting my thoughts most of the time, you know? They all call it "love at first sight" but I don't think that it is that. I was probably just as nervous as you are when JB hyung introduced us to each other. I'm not a people person so I apologize for my weirdness.

My head is flooded with thoughts such as, "is he okay?", "did he eat already?", "is he studying hard?" I don't know, it's fucked. As much as I want to forget about you, I can't. This is stupid. I sound like a weird school girl and I'm not a girl, for fuck's sake. Speaking of me not being a girl, yes, I am not a girl. I'm a guy, but for some weird psychotic reason, my brain and heart decided on me to like boys. How fucked up is that?

Speaking of boys, you are in my head again. Goddammit. How to get you out of my head? Teach me how because I don't seem to know it. Last time I checked I was madly in love with Lee Min Ho; seriously that guy is so handsome since I knew about him in 2009. Anyway, I don't know why JB hyung introduced us to each other; he probably wants to have more friends besides me because I'm the most boring person he ever met.

Okay, never mind. I'm blabbering. (How do you blabber in a letter, again?)

I'll write again soon. For sure. Hopefully.

Jinyoung

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I barely remember the stupid things I did when I met him for the first time. He's perfect with all the brown curly hair and those eyes... goddamn, those eyes. He looked perfect like an angel; and I'm just a lame human, walking around the earth with depression and anxiety written all over my face. JB hyung was my only friend and my family, basically. It's not my fault that I'm gay and my parents kicked me out. Talk about good parenting.

I still remember when I walked into JB hyung's apartment, telling how I hate myself and basically swallowing a bottle of pills in front of him. From then on he promised not to leave me, ever. JB hyung's really lucky; he has a family that supports him no matter the circumstance (except when he's doing reckless shit) and I am here, in their lovely abode. So close to taking my life again because people took the love of my life away from me.

Mark.

Why did he have to suffer? What bad thing did he do that he was involved in that situation? He was an angel from heaven yet the last time I saw him he was smiling so bright and telling me to "live life and have no regrets". He was my sunshine and I am a plant; he's my source of strength. And now I regret that I ever met him; because if he didn't meet me, he will not die this soon. He will probably die of old age, but not now. Why now? Everything was alright. It was perfect. Until they took Mark away from me. People will say, "you weren't there, it's not your fault". It's my fault... because I wasn't there.

I sat up on the bed, rethinking my life choices; if I stand up and go outside, I'll just be reminded of the pain. If I don't, I'll die here in misery and sadness and emotional pain. I've cried so many times I still wonder why my tear ducts didn't rust yet. I am the most horrible person ever and I lived. Or maybe that was intentional; his death. Did they need this angel back that much, he had to suffer a painful death? They could at least get him while he was asleep but no, he suffered for a good two hours before drawing his last breath! And again, I wasn't there.

I decided to stand up, go to the kitchen, and at least eat something. I'm just alone in the Im's house; JB hyung's parents went to work and JB hyung's at school as usual. He wanted to stay but I don't want him to. He didn't have to grief with me like this. When I reached the kitchen, there was a note attached in the fridge:

Jinyoung-ah,

I'm glad you got down from your room. Eat something. I'll be home by 2:30pm.
Don't do anything stupid.

JB

I checked the time and it was 01:28pm already; hyung will be here soon. "I'll try to eat something, hyung." I sighed and opened the fridge. I found a good batch of food but I wasn't feeling hungry. No matter how much I feed myself, I'll just end up at the toilet; puking up the food I ate. I don't want to waste such good food by puking it up after a few minutes. So just went back to my room and lie down; because that's what I'm good at lately. Laying down in my own sheets with Mark's pillow; a pillow that's starting to lose the Mark scent on it. I can barely find the cinnamon scent that's smelt of Mark anymore which a mere reason why I started to cry again today.

This is the last thing I have on him; and I'm slowly losing it as well.

It's only been a month and I'm still here grieving.

How could I not, he was my first love after all.