Butterfly Effect

Running and Motorcycles

November 12, 2014

Mark's my best friend for now. I still haven't answered his question, not that I don't want to but I just don't wanna rush into things. If ever, this is going to be my first romantic relationship and I just want it to be the last one; I believe that if you found the one, there is forever. I want to know if he's the one and I don't want to disappoint myself. I may be too young for this kind of thing but I'm not an idiot if I make others a reference of how relationships work.

I'm starting to get better now though, I haven't had any panic attacks for two weeks now, so that's good. I don't want to be sick (in that way) again. A part of me also says that it's because of Mark, even though I deny it for so many times. I'm still playing the hard-to-get game.

It's probably stupid that Mark's my only friend besides JB hyung. I mean, they're a year above me making my sorry ass always alone in a "group" project. Do you see how people are these days? It's not my fault if I want to be alone most of time; it doesn't mean I hate everyone (okay, I hate everyone).

I still have homework to finish.

I'll write again soon.

Jinyoung

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I answered JB hyung's call.

"Hello? Is this Park Jinyoung?" His voice sounded scared, or tired... more like tired. It's like he was running.

"Yeah." I whispered.

"Thank God you're alright! I've been looking everywhere for you. Where the hell are you, Jinyoung-ah?"

Am I alright?

"I'm...uh... I'm at Seoul."

"What? What are you doing in Seoul? Why did you run away?"

"I... have to... find myself, I guess? I've been a great weight to you guys by staying at home and doing nothing but sulk and I just... I just thought that leaving will loosen up the weight a little bit."

He sighed. "Jinyoung-ah. You know it's okay having you here."

"I... know but... I want to be independent, you know?"

"Being independent and running away are two different things, Jinyoung-ah."

"I know, hyung. I'm not in the right mind at the moment. I haven't slept and I'm sorry that you haven't slept as well because of my stupid disappearance also known as running away."

"You're ignoring the question. Why did you run away?"

I ran away because it's the only way to move on from Mark; to erase all the memories in my head by leaving the place we shared all of it.

"I'm sorry, JB hyung. Please forgive me." I ended the call and turned off my phone.

It's 07:49am now and I still hate myself. JB hyung has done so much for me, why the hell am I pushing him away? Oh, right. I just don't want him to suffer anymore because of me. He's stressed a lot lately with all his school works and I don't want to be an addition to it anymore. I don't want anyone worrying about me anymore. But I also think that me running away worsen his state.

I continue to walk around for a little bit and find a cheap place to stay besides bench at the park; plus a little dash of me not eating anything for the past 19 hours. I was just exhausted and hungry.

And I think I passed out.

"Mark hyung are you sure you can drive motorcycles? Last time I checked, you can't." I laughed.

Mark hugged me from behind. "Why does my baby doubt me?" he pouted.

"You know I value safety of the two of us, right? The very reason why I want to be a doctor, hyung."

"I know, baby. But this is just a little fun; give us a chance to loosen up a bit with all the school works we're piled with."

He was right. The qualifying exams are coming soon and all we did was study all day, all night. There's no way we shouldn't pass this exam because it's like a proud moment for our parents. It's the best I can give to my parents who... kicked me out; at least with their gay son passing a college qualifying examination in one of the top universities in Korea... maybe they'll accept me by then and realize that his not just 'a phase'.

"So, are you up for this or not?"

I hesitated. "Uhm... okay." I grabbed his shoulders to sit behind him.

"Do you trust me?"

I grabbed the helmet on the nearby table. "I trust you with a helmet, hyung." And put the helmet on his head. He laughed.

I wore my helmet as he started the engine. "You ready, baby?" I nodded.

Mark slowly let go of the clutch and we were on our way. We enjoyed the cold night wind on us and the busy people in their own respective vehicles. It was so beautiful in the streets, with the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I can't believe he's finally mine and I'm his. A literature expert can write how wonderful the feeling is. He was just a best friend before; now he's a boyfriend to me.

I didn't mean for him to wait for my answer that long; six months is not really a long time. I just wanted it to be perfect; for all words and actions in the right place. I don't want to mess this up because this is going to be my first and last romantic relationship until the day I die. I'm not rushing yet but I think that he is the one.

"Mark hyung, can we stop by for a convenience store? I'm hungry." He didn't reply. I heard a sniff. Is he crying?

"Mark hyung, are you okay?" He just nodded.

I don't know what's wrong, but I'm worried; really worried.

"Jinyoung-ah. I just want to let you know how happy I am to be your boyfriend; that after a few months of courting you, you finally said yes to me. I'll cherish all of our memories together and I hope you do to." He screamed through the wind.

"Enough with all the sappy words, hyung; let's stop for food."

He took a deep breath. "We can't Jinyoung."

Why?

"I have no breaks."

So this is it then. We were too fast to just simply go down with minor injuries; for God's sake, we're running for 150kph! I panicked but I didn't want to show him that.

"Hyung, i-is there anything we can do?"

He just shook his head. No options, just jump.

"Hyung, let's just jump. We have our helmets on. Please don't panic, hyung. Please."

He turned into an alleyway, grabbed my hand and we jumped... together.

"Jinyoung-ah! Jinyoung-ah!" I'm woken up with my chest being shaken by Mark. I quickly sat up.

"We're alive, Jinyouing-ah." He breathed and gave me kiss on my forehead. "We're okay, baby."

I was still a loss for words. We were just in a near-death experience, what do you expect? I'm not riding motorcycles anymore.

"You saved us, Jinyoung-ah."

Did I really save both of us?