Butterfly Effect

Different Route and Endless Journey

August 28, 2014

I have to admit that it's nice to be treated like a prince; or someone royal. Mark's such a gentleman that it's too much already. Seriously. I'm a half amused and half creeped out. I'm scared that one day he's gonna hold my dick for me when I pee. It's creepy and terrifying. It makes me cringe just imagining it now. Goddamn. He still won't stop asking me to be his boyfriend; we saw each other three times today (on the way to school, lunch and, on the way home), and he asked me three times. This guy, really.

Mark, I'm seriously not good for you. I'm just a regular gay guy at school and you don't need to take care of me or anything. I can handle myself, you know? Okay. I feel like a hypocrite now. Because just last night I was cooking for the Ims and you came into the house and you helped me when I slipped. I mean, who spills oil on the kitchen floor? Only me. I hate myself.

But there's this thing; we talked about it last night. I can't believe I haven't been hiding my wrist wounds very well. I'm kind of surprised that you saw them since I stopped doing it for a year now; then I remembered that you took me to you dorm last week because I was stupidly getting beaten up. It's fucked up, I know. I'm sorry. How can you love me when I hate myself a lot? I can never learn to love you that way Mark if I can't even begin with me. Sorry. I'm being a horrible liar now. I like you a lot, Mark, but I just can't like myself. 

You probably won't read these letters anyway, simply because I wouldn't allow you. You'll just see how vulnerable I am when I'm with you or when I'm thinking about you. I'm terrified that you'll just leave me or even forget about me. I'm tired of always being forgotten, Mark. My own parents forgot me, for fuck's sake. I need to find myself new set of parents who can accept me like JB hyung's parents. But I don't think I deserve that though, I'm such a shit child. A disgrace in a family; because I am gay.

You are lucky, Mark. Your parents accept you for who you are. I'm not. I'm being alone so much that being alone watching a movie or going to the mall didn't matter at all (which you told me you don't like because you wanted to spend time with me; which I hope isn't a pity because you just feel bad for me being alone). 

This is getting too long. I'm telling so much. I have to go sleep, it's late. 

I'll write again soon.

Jinyoung

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Mark was so creepy back then. I don't know what runs in that boy's head before but it was super weird. There's a part me that wanted to tell that I can handle myself or that I need some privacy, but I couldn't tell him. I couldn't hurt him like that. When I say something sometimes my mouth doesn't have filter and I'm afraid that I might say things I may regret later; it's better to shut up about it though.

He wasn't fond of me being always alone that's why he always picks me up and takes me home from school. JB hyung comes with us but one day he told us he just felt the awkward third wheel; from then on he started going home using a different route. I feel bad for him and apologize but he told me it's okay because I was "finally having a life". 

Life. Wow. Such a word to use in a shitty society like this; where you can't roam around without someone judging you. It's bad and I don't think I can get used to it. Explains why I'm probably weak enough to fight the bullies of my own and such a dependent on Mark to do that for me. I felt extremely powerless yet at the same time I felt loved. It's not that JB hyung and the Ims didn't love me; I meant love in a romantic way. 

I arrived in Seoul not knowing where the hell I should go. I don't even have a place to stay to begin with. Do I look like an idiot right now? Yes I do. I just decided to walk where my feet would take me. Seoul's beautiful though, it's probably not as pretty as those photographic shots JB hyung has but it's beautiful nevertheless. But I have to stop admiring Seoul for now, I need a place to stay. I unlocked my phone and saw 9 missed calls and 13 text messages, all from JB hyung asking where the hell I was. I couldn't reply. I'll just feel extra bad for myself.

I've probably been walking for a few hours; yep, it's 01:34am now. I don't know where I'm going. Most of the Seoul population's asleep. I can't stay for the night in a hotel, I don't have the budget for that. Not to boast but goddamn, I have 750,000 won in my pocket. I'm gonna need every cent of it if I want to last homeless and jobless for a week. Hotel's not a good idea to spend the night. Guess who planned to sleep on the streets? Me!

My endless journey of "looking for a good ground to sleep onto" is on going when I heard a fuss. A group of guys went out of a building 10 meters close and approaching proximity. What the hell? Who's up until this time? Most of them seem tired though. Oh, of course, they're Korea's soon-to-be pop stars. I just happened to walk across my entertainment company. 

Okay, I'm kidding. It's not my fault we have the same names. As if I could write down Park Jin Young on the medical chart when I went out of my mom's vagina. Again, not my fault. I ignored the pop stars and just carried on walking when a giant person bumped into me. 

"Youngjae hyung, you should really watch when you're going." he said; and his eyes were closed. Goddamn. 

"Excuse me? Your eyes are closed. You should watch where you're going." I replied bitterly. 

Sigh. Just because you're rising stars of tomorrow doesn't mean you have to forget manners. Kids these days. I don't even understand the concept of this entertainment thing. I don't get it. It's confusing. Just thinking about it make my head hurt.

"Oh! Ahjussi, I'm really sorry! I thought it was one of my friends." he repeatedly saying while in his 90-degree bow.

"Aish. It's okay. But next time you watch out." I pat him on the shoulder.

He nodded. "Okay, good luck with your pop star thing, kid." I mean, I assume he's younger than me by the way he acted. I hate assuming things though.

"Take care, ahjussi."

I nodded and set off to my journey again; which is to find a comfortable ground to sleep on. This is how horrible my life is. Going to Seoul with no fucking plans at all. 

I checked my phone again; 01:59am. I suddenly remembered there's a park by the Han River. Yes, I can sleep there for tonight until 6am or when I'm forced to leave. My legs were about to give up and I'm starving, I just have to hold on to myself for now. I can't buy anything, everything else cheap is closed and I'm not spending 100,000 won of food for tonight. Nope. 

When I arrived at the park, my coat is failing at its job to keep me warm. It's really cold out here but I really have no choice, at all. My body needs to rest or else I'll end up more sick that I already am. I lied down on one of the benches, it not comfortable, but it's something to sleep on.

This is good for now.