Butterfly Effect

Heroes and Funeral

December 10, 2014

It's already the 10th of December and no, I still have no gift for Mark. I hate this. I don't know what I should get him for Christmas and I just spent the entire day today looking for a good gift and I can't really find one. I want it to be perfect because he is perfect and I love like him for it. Even if he has a few imperfections; he is perfect in my eyes.

Anyway, JB hyung said Mark is leaving for Taiwan as soon as the Christmas break begins and I want to give him my gift before he leaves, at least he can open it on Christmas day. I'll be spending mine with the Ims and their extended family as well. My parents never contacted me ever since they kicked me out so I suppose that's an automatic elimination of me in that family. How sad.

Well, not really sad. If I hadn't left I probably wouldn't be this happy. Not the fact that I don't want my parents around but the fact that I get to do whatever I want without the anxiety anymore. I'm selfish, I know. My siblings contact me once in a blue moon but lately they haven't, probably because of my parents. I'm sorry, okay? I can't help but blame them. It just hurts me so much; I'm their child, for fuck's sake.

I guess I can say that I'm quite happy even if they weren't around. It's hurtful that you're called a 'faggot' by strangers but more hurtful when your parents do. My life sucks. Okay. This is probably confusing now. I'll stop.

I'll write again soon.

Jinyoung

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JB hyung went outside of my room. Who were the 'guys' who brought me here? I must thank them and maybe cook for them too... oh, wait. I have no place to stay, right.

"Jinyoung-ah. They are your heroes; if not for them, you are probably dead by now in the streets."

Three teenagers entered the room.

"Jinyoung, this is Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bambam."

I met Youngjae last night or like a few hours ago and Yugyeom bumped me last night so at least I know them. I think I also saw this Bambam kid last night but I couldn't remember well.

"Hi hyung." Youngjae said. "How are you? You weren't feeling this bad last night."

I chuckled. "I know, Youngjae-ah."

"You know each other?" JB hyung asked.

Youngjae nodded. "I met Jinyoung hyung last night when he was talking to himself about being alone or something, I can't remember." He laughed.

"Ah, I see. Hey Youngjae, where's your other friend?" JB asked.

"Oh, Jackson hyung? He went back to the training center to tell the others that we can't go today. His friend is driving him here."

You see? You see this is why I ran away from JB hyung's house; everyone was concerned of me and now a bunch of teenagers won't attend their training to stardom because of me. I don't want to be such a weight for them as well. The pressure is insane and I don't like it one bit. Plus the fact that this Jackson guy is only being brought by his friend on the way here' like, who the hell does that?

"Jinyoung-ssi, I'm going to leave for a moment. Jackson hyung's arrived with his friend and I'm gonna go meet them at the hospital lobby." Bambam shyly said.

"Sure kid; oh, and how old are you?" Bambam looked confused then smiled.

"I'm 20, Jinyoung-ssi."

"Stop with the –ssi. Call me 'hyung'; you too, Yugyeom-ah." They both nodded and left.

JB hyung started opening a paper bag, "You haven't eaten anything at all. I got you japchae."

My stomach grumbled at the mention of food. JB hyung started setting up the food for me and in no time, I started eating. Youngjae just sat by the bed fiddling with his phone, obviously pretending to be busy; aish, this kid.

"Youngjae-ah, you wanna eat?"

"No, thank you hyung. We always eat before we go to the training center." I nodded and went back to eating. JB hyung started eating as well, only that he was standing up. Youngjae shyly offered the seat to him but as a hyung he politely declined. I found it cute and giggled in my head.

The door opened a few minutes later with Yugyeom entering the room, then Bambam, then what I assume is Jackson. He bowed, greeting both JB and I, introducing himself. He was talking about how he saw me when another guy entered the room; Jackson's friend I assumed because—

Oh shit.

No.

It can't be.

Why is he?

What?

No, I'm not oriented with this.

"Jinyoung-ssi, this is my friend, Mark hyung." Jackson said.

I looked at JB hyung. He was just as shocked as I was.

"Hi, Jinyoung-ssi. I'm Mark. How have you been?" He bowed and smiled at me, but do you know what hurt the most? It's like he doesn't know me at all. Well, technically he doesn't know me but... the last time I knew he was dead; like d-e-a-d, dead.

I pinched myself from the momentary shock and cleared my throat. "I have been well, hyung." You are not to call someone 'hyung' if you're meeting them for the first time (it's not the first time but you get the point), he didn't look offended though so that's good.

"Can I ask why JB hyung and Jinyoung hyung look like they both saw a ghost?" Yugyeom asked.

"Because Yugyeom-ah, Mark looks like Jinyoung's dead boyfriend; they have the same name too. Mark, do you not remember us?" JB hyung asked him. At least JB hyung tried asking my question to Mark, even though the question is just in my head.

Mark looked shocked. What the hell happened to him? Besides the fact the he got more handsome, it really seems that he didn't know what the hell was happening and what the hell we're saying.

Okay fine, I admit. I didn't see a dead body then, they wouldn't show me. No one showed me. JB hyung didn't even see him.

Mark's family tried their best to hide his 'dead body' away from me. I didn't even get a chance to go to his 'funeral'. I don't know what the hell is happening right now. Can he at least remember my shadow or at least anything about me? Our relationship lasted for three months and then he was gone. They told me he died in a car accident, they forbade me to go to the hospital, and funeral and I don't even know where he was 'buried'.

"No, I don't. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry if ever I really looked like him." He smiled sadly.

"Hey, it's not your fault, hyung. All of our confusion is not your fault; everything that just happened, not your fault." I smiled back.

He looked relieved. "I'm sorry, really. Can I excuse myself?" he asked. I just nodded.

"Jackson, can you come with me to the cafeteria? I haven't eaten anything yet."

"Oh, uhm. Sure, hyung." Jackson waved goodbye to us and quickly caught up to Mark who was walking out.

Okay, fine. Here's the truth. Mark's relationship with me is a big secret; a secret that he didn't tell anyone at all. His family didn't know he preferred men over women romantically; basically, we have the same experience about being "unaccepted in our families" so I think that's why we relate; that's why we clicked. He was the most special thing that ever happened to me.

Can you not remember me at all, hyung?