Butterfly Effect

Depression and a Missing Person

October 18, 2014

Help me. Please. I don't know what to do. I'm losing it again; I'm losing myself again. Help me, Mark. Please. Don't make this hard for me. I'm so full of hatred and regret I don't know what to do anymore. Why I am not what society wants to be? Why am I like this? Why am I not normal? Tell me why, because I'm lacking words and proper answers right now.

I'm taking my medications, Mark, why am I not getting better at all? For a sudden, I think I'm getting worse. I'm so tired of living and a part of my soul is leaving me already. I may not be physically dead but my mentality and emotional stability is in a coma already. I'm sitting here with the lamp on but what I see is complete darkness in my head. I can't see anything, Mark. Help me, please. Oh my God.

Save ME, Mark. Please.

Jinyoung

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October 18, 2014; the day when my depression hit me like a fucking truck. It was the worst day of my life. Mark kept asking me if I was okay, I'm telling him I'm fine which he blindly believed, but I wasn't. Nothing happened the days before that made me that sad and depressed. I don't even know the root cause; or maybe I know I'm just denying it.

To be honest, I don't know what's wrong with me that day. I'm holding the letter in my hands and noticing the smudged ink; I was crying while I was writing. I'm still trying to think about what made me feel like that; possible cause: bottled up emotions.

It was nothing but sweet memories from Mark then, but after a few days of asking me over and over, he just stopped asking altogether. It's probably my fault; I played the hard-to-get game with him and he probably got sick of it. I thought he wasn't gonna give up on me; but he did, probably, gave up on me that time. I can't handle it and just cried when I got home. I cried with a heavy feeling in my chest. I remembered just dashing up the stairs into my room to fill myself with despair and broken heart.

Mark got sick of me; got sick of asking me. He grew tired, and I was a fool to let him go like that. I was stupid.

I didn't fall asleep at all on the bench. It was not comfortable at all, but this will do. I have to endure my stupid plan to go to Seoul with nothing in my head about what I should do. The stars are bright at this time of night; I'm not good at constellations but I'm seeing one right now. I just wish my life is as perfect as the constellation above, it's beautiful. Unfortunately, my life is far from being in that state. My paranoid mind says that I'm gonna get robbed tonight but I decided to ignore it. It's cold, peaceful and beautiful at the same time. The cold is getting to me; I think I sneezed a couple of times now. My back hurts as well; urghhhhhhhhh I'm such a whiny—

"Excuse me? Are you okay?"

I quickly sat up. Am I speaking out my thoughts? "Uh... yeah, I guess so? Why?"

"Oh nothing, it's just that you were sort of talking to yourself." Yeah. This is awkward.

He gestured on the space beside me, "Mind if I sit?"

"No, not at all." I moved my belongings towards me and allowed him to sit.

This is probably the most awkward something minutes of my life; we were just sat there staring towards the river. I don't know but I think I caught him staring at me a couple of times but I didn't mind that. He probably thinks I'm super weird. I pulled out and unlocked my phone; 03:49am. I haven't slept at all today, what a miracle. I love sleep, or no. I love dreaming in my sleep; it's the only place where I see, him, ya know? Besides a couple of selcas of the both of us in my phone, the dreams feel real.